Sunday, 1 May 2011


I have been making some changes to the blog - learning as I go & trying to personalize it.  So, a new name to symbolize how I miss James' life in my life, a new background for the sky up high where I hope James is & a pictures of a treasure bean & angel wings made in his memory by others who honour their lost angels by remembering others. 

I have felt many changes coming over me lately - mostly a belief in myself & in my abilities as a person, a professional, a mother to my living angel Jeven. 

Jeven & I the night before James' memorial

Classic Jev with the contents of his meal in his hair

I, for a long time wondered when I would feel like a grown up - I certainly had all the hallmarks to make the case but never truly felt it, until now.  I have also stopped depriving myself to prove that I can live without - I now believe that I deserve to have things because there is no purpose in proving that one can go without.

I feel that James has risen me from a life of modesty & uncertainty about my own worthiness.  I am now certain that I am worthy & I am able, I believe in myself - don't know why but there is some peace in the fact that I do.

This is not to say that I am so foolish to think I won't have moments of doubt or still be confused by this journey, rather, I feel like things have shifted & in that spirit I am re working my outlook as I reach little pieces of clarity out of all the confusion.

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