- I found the day I had ear marked to be my last day at work on my calendar,
- Was shown pictures of a co-workers new grandson - born in the same hospital & looking so perfect;
- Saw an acquaintance at my son's swimming lesson who delivered her live baby girl on the same day & same hospital that I gave birth to & lost James;
- Received an invitation from the hospital to attend a remembrance for lost angels.
For my co-worker & acquaintance- I am truly happy - they are blessed with a healthy, live children & for that I am genuinely thrilled & grateful, but I am also stricken with grief. Their blessings are my constant reminder of the life I won't share with my son.
The pregnant bellies around me are also growing at a rapid rate, soon these babies will make their way into the world healthy (with fingers crossed) and I will again be left with my gratitude for their blessings & grieving all the should haves.
To top it all off, the first just keep coming - Passover, Easter, Mother's day, the birth of my oldest friend's daughter (within days of James' due date) and James' never to be due date. I just can't seem to imagine that the next year of my life is going to be firsts of loss. While others are celebrating their firsts, we'll be grieving the loss of ours. Bitter injustice.
I must pay a tribute in the midst of all these awful things:
A very wise, kind & generous woman who has walked this awful journey has gently been supporting me. I have neglected her, not feeling the strength to even know how to reply - she walks this path as well & I know struggles also. She is amongst the kindest, most generous I have known - she has become a blessing for me in this tragedy. I hope she knows the depth of my gratitude & will continue to be part of my journey.