Thursday, 28 April 2011

Random things

Wow - I don't know why or how but it seems that the universe is determined to turn the proverbial knife in the wound.  The most random & unexpected things have been happening at multiple times each day, each a little stab in my extra tender heart these days.

Only yesterday: 
  • I found the day I had ear marked to be my last day at work on my calendar,
  • Was shown pictures of  a co-workers new grandson - born in the same hospital & looking so perfect;
  • Saw an acquaintance at my son's swimming lesson who delivered her live baby girl on the same day & same hospital that I gave birth to & lost James;
  • Received an invitation from the hospital to attend a remembrance for lost angels.

For my co-worker & acquaintance- I am truly happy - they are blessed with a healthy, live children & for that I am genuinely thrilled & grateful, but I am also stricken with grief.   Their blessings are my constant reminder of the life I won't share with my son. 

The pregnant bellies around me are also growing at a rapid rate, soon these babies will make their way into the world healthy (with fingers crossed) and I will again be left with my gratitude for their blessings & grieving all the should haves. 

To top it all off, the first just keep coming - Passover, Easter, Mother's day, the birth of my oldest friend's daughter (within days of James' due date) and James' never to be due date.  I just can't seem to imagine that the next year of my life is going to be firsts of loss.  While others are celebrating their firsts, we'll be grieving the loss of ours.   Bitter injustice.

I must pay a tribute in the midst of all these awful things:

A very wise, kind & generous woman who has walked this awful journey has gently been supporting me.  I have neglected her, not feeling the strength to even know how to reply - she walks this path as well & I know struggles also.   She is amongst the kindest, most generous I have known - she has become a blessing for me in this tragedy.  I hope she knows the depth of my gratitude & will continue to be part of my journey.


  1. sending hugs and loving thoughts...

  2. When you have experienced the loss of a baby or child you have a very unique that will bring you through and make evident almost every milestone that a child should have experienced...

    It can be unbearable at times and seem so unfair. I am so sad for you, not because I have been through exactly the same circumstance, but one similar. I long to see my son participate in things that any little boy would his age...and it will never happen.

    I do get really sad and let myself be emotional about these things because I do feel better afterwards and I know, that God has shown me over time, that being emotional is healing and healthy.

    Please know that you are not alone and that there are many that walk along the same, sometimes really dark path called grief (of a baby/child).

    I have a friend, who lost her sweet 29 year old daughter to cancer. My friend is now a Griefshare counselor only less than two years after experiencing her loss. She says that when she is having a really difficult period (sad/angry, etc.) over her loss, she is a lot more compassionate to others in similar situations and God uses her in a bigger way.

    I know that God will use you, in His time, to comfort others who are misunderstood and forgotten by many and who are grieving in the dark. It is really already happening because by writing in your blog you are making more people aware of people like you who are hurting.

    I have a friend who, on the day that Caleb was born, was in the hospital birthing her baby that had already passed into Heaven. I never understood the full depth of her pain until I lost Caleb 17 months later. She was someone who showed me much compassion in the days that followed Caleb's death and my heart hurts for her loss more than ever now because of my wounds.

    With love and Hope,

  3. Dear Caroline,

    I am just catching up on some of your posts.... love you so much and I am so proud of you for writing. It has helped me so much. Given me such tremendous hope and constant comfort and support. I love your new design! James' name painted on the rock is precious.....

    Please don't ever feel like you are neglecting anyone. Right now, focus on you, focus on Jeven and focus on honouring James' memory... do what you can do. Those who stand by you will always be here.... when you are comfortable.

    Are you going to the Memorial at the Hospital? I am planning on it. I went last year (with 100 Angel Wings in tow) and it was beautifully comforting, although emotional. Would love to see you there.....xx