Saturday, 24 March 2012

Back to Numb

Been feeling rather numb recently.  All I can liken it to is non sensical statement that I have heard many times..when someone says they drank themselves sober.  I wonder if worried myself numb.  The idea being that my body just gave out or in depending on how you want to look at it and now the only reaction I have is that of almost nothing. 

I have been thinking about James a lot recently, seen his locket out when I look at myself in the mirror almost like a sign that he's near.  As I get closer to wrapping up work, preparing to hopefully deliver a live & healthy baby, I am reminded that this will be my 3rd labour and delivery.  Even my husband let it slip and called this my 2nd.  I quickly reminded him & he was instantly apologetic and I know it was an honest mistake.  I am frightened, I have some ideas of what I would like this delivery to be like but the truth is all I care about is having delivering a healthy live baby.  I'm going to have to start raising this with my midwives for 2 reasons, I don't know if the delivery will be an emotional roller coaster, I'm at the same hospital and on the same floor where I delivered James and I am worried this one might come faster then expected - it is my 3rd after all! 

Here are my fears:
When I deliver I won't think of James,
When I deliver I won't think of anything but James,
When I deliver I won't have a live or healthy baby,
When I deliver an avalanche of emotions will engulf me & I won't be able to control or recover from it.

My mindfulness class starts this week but with my new numbness I wonder I'll be able to be open & take real advantage or if I'll have to work at leaving my group facilitator hat at the door, like I did with the bereavement group. 

Time will tell....

Missing you & hoping you are near angel.  xoxox Mommy

Monday, 12 March 2012


Anxiety - that seems to be where I live these days.  I keep hearing all the research shows that what you feel during pregnancy, your unborn child feels too.  So, I resign myself to be more mindful, it's never too late is what i tell myself, but each time, I find myself in a cycle of relaxation, building anxiety, frustration & self doubt.  So I tell myself do something about it, anxiety untreated is dangerous, how can I find some strategies to empower myself to release myself, to feel in control again?  I have to do something, I don't like the person I am carrying this anxiety around, I don't like the parent I have become.  I want to relish every moment of my exuberant toddler so filled with happiness & energy.  Right now I can't.

Mindfulness, a fad sweeping the nation, one I've been weary of,  but here I am, willing to try it.  Now try and find a course/workshop that's A - affordable & B- leaves me enough time before the baby is due.  My one girl friend found one, but it's in the city - I'm hoping this is the answer - some time with a friend and the added bonus of some techniques to use as we ramp up getting ready & then as I muddle my through the initial post partum period - when we will hopefully have a live & healthy baby home. 

I am left trying to clear the cob webs & organize my mind, how much of this is my anxiety from losing James & the terrifying notion that we could leave empty armed again?  How much has been the emotional toll of the roller coaster we've been on with Jev's recent multiple health scares?  How much are my doubts about my ability as a parent?  Does any of this even matter? 

I've heard people talk about letting it all go & simply resigning that there is a purpose & things will turn out the way they will regardless.  Although I doubt I could ever completely hand over faith & let go, how does one find the middle ground?  Is this even the answer?


Needing some of your guidance angel, I feel most at peace when I feel you near.  Missing you & wondering if I would have been any good as a parent to you at all or if I can rise to the challenge of honouring your life and taking the life lessons you've shared forward.

xoxox Mommy

Sunday, 4 March 2012

If I had a wish, it would be that my children always know how loved they each are.  If they never have to question in their hearts that I love them each beyond words and without reservation, regardless of circumstance I will have fulfilled my purpose. 

I have spent time, building a career, trying to be a upstanding member of my community, living with dignity and respecting others.  Today, all the matters is my family - I care not about the money & hours I have invested towards my career, being viewed as a contributing member of community, worrying about others.

I have always wanted to be the kind of person who would make you want to go the extra mile for.  The one who despite adversity tries to just keep moving.  I never realized however, this comes at a price - they say the good guy finishes last & I have not always believed this.  After the experiences of the past year, I can not say I am firm in my beliefs any longer.  Although I still feel a walk on the line of advocating strongly & being respectful is important, I wonder if the hard nosed advocate who takes a no holds barred & the spare no one attitude will always end up being the winner anyway.  I realize I am not this person and actually hope I never am, but for the sake of my children, I wonder if I need to grow some courage & strengthen my voice.

I am worried, I feel my emotions running away with me.  I have new regrets that seem to haunt me and I feel I have lost some of my fight.   

Mistakes were made, regrets are formed but the love is indelible.