Anxiety - that seems to be where I live these days. I keep hearing all the research shows that what you feel during pregnancy, your unborn child feels too. So, I resign myself to be more mindful, it's never too late is what i tell myself, but each time, I find myself in a cycle of relaxation, building anxiety, frustration & self doubt. So I tell myself do something about it, anxiety untreated is dangerous, how can I find some strategies to empower myself to release myself, to feel in control again? I have to do something, I don't like the person I am carrying this anxiety around, I don't like the parent I have become. I want to relish every moment of my exuberant toddler so filled with happiness & energy. Right now I can't.
Mindfulness, a fad sweeping the nation, one I've been weary of, but here I am, willing to try it. Now try and find a course/workshop that's A - affordable & B- leaves me enough time before the baby is due. My one girl friend found one, but it's in the city - I'm hoping this is the answer - some time with a friend and the added bonus of some techniques to use as we ramp up getting ready & then as I muddle my through the initial post partum period - when we will hopefully have a live & healthy baby home.
I am left trying to clear the cob webs & organize my mind, how much of this is my anxiety from losing James & the terrifying notion that we could leave empty armed again? How much has been the emotional toll of the roller coaster we've been on with Jev's recent multiple health scares? How much are my doubts about my ability as a parent? Does any of this even matter?
I've heard people talk about letting it all go & simply resigning that there is a purpose & things will turn out the way they will regardless. Although I doubt I could ever completely hand over faith & let go, how does one find the middle ground? Is this even the answer?
Needing some of your guidance angel, I feel most at peace when I feel you near. Missing you & wondering if I would have been any good as a parent to you at all or if I can rise to the challenge of honouring your life and taking the life lessons you've shared forward.