Been feeling rather numb recently. All I can liken it to is non sensical statement that I have heard many times..when someone says they drank themselves sober. I wonder if worried myself numb. The idea being that my body just gave out or in depending on how you want to look at it and now the only reaction I have is that of almost nothing.
I have been thinking about James a lot recently, seen his locket out when I look at myself in the mirror almost like a sign that he's near. As I get closer to wrapping up work, preparing to hopefully deliver a live & healthy baby, I am reminded that this will be my 3rd labour and delivery. Even my husband let it slip and called this my 2nd. I quickly reminded him & he was instantly apologetic and I know it was an honest mistake. I am frightened, I have some ideas of what I would like this delivery to be like but the truth is all I care about is having delivering a healthy live baby. I'm going to have to start raising this with my midwives for 2 reasons, I don't know if the delivery will be an emotional roller coaster, I'm at the same hospital and on the same floor where I delivered James and I am worried this one might come faster then expected - it is my 3rd after all!
Here are my fears:
When I deliver I won't think of James,
When I deliver I won't think of anything but James,
When I deliver I won't have a live or healthy baby,
When I deliver an avalanche of emotions will engulf me & I won't be able to control or recover from it.
My mindfulness class starts this week but with my new numbness I wonder I'll be able to be open & take real advantage or if I'll have to work at leaving my group facilitator hat at the door, like I did with the bereavement group.
Time will tell....
Missing you & hoping you are near angel. xoxox Mommy