Saturday, 24 March 2012

Back to Numb

Been feeling rather numb recently.  All I can liken it to is non sensical statement that I have heard many times..when someone says they drank themselves sober.  I wonder if worried myself numb.  The idea being that my body just gave out or in depending on how you want to look at it and now the only reaction I have is that of almost nothing. 

I have been thinking about James a lot recently, seen his locket out when I look at myself in the mirror almost like a sign that he's near.  As I get closer to wrapping up work, preparing to hopefully deliver a live & healthy baby, I am reminded that this will be my 3rd labour and delivery.  Even my husband let it slip and called this my 2nd.  I quickly reminded him & he was instantly apologetic and I know it was an honest mistake.  I am frightened, I have some ideas of what I would like this delivery to be like but the truth is all I care about is having delivering a healthy live baby.  I'm going to have to start raising this with my midwives for 2 reasons, I don't know if the delivery will be an emotional roller coaster, I'm at the same hospital and on the same floor where I delivered James and I am worried this one might come faster then expected - it is my 3rd after all! 

Here are my fears:
When I deliver I won't think of James,
When I deliver I won't think of anything but James,
When I deliver I won't have a live or healthy baby,
When I deliver an avalanche of emotions will engulf me & I won't be able to control or recover from it.

My mindfulness class starts this week but with my new numbness I wonder I'll be able to be open & take real advantage or if I'll have to work at leaving my group facilitator hat at the door, like I did with the bereavement group. 

Time will tell....

Missing you & hoping you are near angel.  xoxox Mommy


  1. I know when I delivered my little Elisabeth after Caleb died all of the hospital personnel were already aware of Caleb's death and were very sensitive to me and my emotions.

    On the first or second night after Elisabeth was born she started gagging and I couldn't dislodge the flem from her throat (I know how to attempt to) and I was frantic on the buzzer calling for a nurse. She came immediately and was able to get Elisabeth breathing again, but what happened in the aftermath was a flood of sobs, etc.

    The nurse was sooooo wonderful and understanding.

    I am so happy for you and your new little one and I hope that everything runs smoothly. Even in a live healthy birth, tears are usually shed, so it is not unusual at all to cry and I'm sure that these nurses, midwives, etc. have seen many things both good and tragic and they will be there for you every step of the way :)

    With Hope,

  2. About 3 months ago my son was born, 22 1/2 months after delivering my sleeping daughter. The best thing I did during my son’s delivery was to tell the nurses and doctors about our loss. They were all understanding and supportive, asking many times what they could do to make the birth emotionally easier for me and my husband. I agree with Cheryl even in alive births there are usually tears. Allow yourself to feel whatever feelings arise, and know feeling and tears are okay. Praying for the safe delivery of your baby.