Feels as though it's been a while since I've been able to write.  In truth, I've thought about writing everyday but finding the time or right moment just hasn't seemed possible.  I've been struggling in truth with the worst of the 1st trimester stuff, trying my hardest not to complain but struggling just the same to function.  I've tried to strike a balance between the must dos & the optionals but have felt for the most part useless.

I did have a rare moment earlier this week.  I got to speak about you, James, in the real world where ordinary people were just not prepared, but it felt good to talk about you.  A colleague that I haven't seen in some time remembered that I was carrying you & was surprised to see me, thinking I should have been off on leave.  Eventually she assumed she was mistaken & i quickly reassured her she wasn't & told her that you had died.  She was shocked & I could see her discomfort & wishing she could take her questions back, but I was happy to speak about you, even the harsh truth of it all.  You felt present to me in those moments & still smile when I think back.

The rest are my regrets, I am stuck, I had visions of doing the most wonderful thing with someone who embodies honour & strengh.  The truth is that I have been so immobilized that I haven't been able to fulfil my commitment. I feel like I've let you down, feel like you deserve all of me but recently I've haven't had control of me.  I think of you everyday, cry for the moments lost, see your face, long to be able to hold you & hope to be able to honour your life.

Wishing we were planning for another brother or sister with you here but hoping you are near & hoping you will pass some of your essence on if we are fortunate enough to welcome another healthy baby into our family.

Missing you with every shred of my being angel xoxoxoxoxo Mommy

Special thanks to Lea for posting this extraordinarily well written piece.  I was touched beyond expression & felt like the author was writing my own story.

The Heartbreak of Infant loss

James I sent your name to be included in the basket of rememberance in Carely Marie's rememberance day celebration in Australia.  I miss you always angel & will remember you & all the other angel babies gone too soon tomorrow.

xoxoxox Mommy

Somehow I thought I'd be better prepared this time around.  The truth is that I feel more out of control then the first time I did this.  I can't seem to get any aspect under control, my feelings, the sickness, my stress, feeling paralyzed.  You'd think 4th time, I'd have a clue, apparently not - what I've got is the worse case scenario on replay.

Work is just simply out of control, I am constantly feeling anxious, like nothing I do has any impact, but so incredibly busy that I don't have time to stop & grab food - even when I need it.  It's so consuming I am evening dreaming about it at night.  Then, I come home, completely exhausted & feeling sick from having to neglect myself all day and the guilt & pressure of wanting to care for my family weighs heavy.  James plays in my mind with every flash of nausea, every cramp, every twinge, every questioning look.  I feel tortured & I'm terrified that if I don't get things under control we'll be right back where we started.

I worry about disappointing especially some of the most important things I've become involved with & I promised myself I'd take a breath & try and slow down when things felt like they were spinning but easier said then done.  My anxiety quickly turns into a tightness, quickening of breath & my hands begin to shake.  I wish I could tell you it was for really significant events but unfortunately not - just events that make me feel more out of control, unable to complete whatever it is I'm working on.

I am wondering what I need to do to feel more in control, how to delegate things better at work, how to take a step back, how to breathe again.  Hopefully these answers will find me b/c I don't even know how to begin looking for them.

James - I'm feeling guilt for walking this road again without you.  I hope you can help me find some balance as I seem to be losing my grip - the one I fought to find when you left us, the one that I am lost without.

Missing you angel xoxoxoxox Mommy  

Thanksgiving

Well it's thanksgiving day & the big celebration is over.  I've learned that if nothing else, losing James makes very aware of all the things I am grateful for.  This year, that was punctuated when I paused to think of what I might say if asked around the table.  I wasn't asked but still can't help but be reminded to be thankful for my children, Mike & the possibility of one more.  James, I am thankful to have had him our lives, even as brief as it was, but I am not thankful for him to be gone.  I hope this will reconcile in time.

This past week was the beginning, people began to notice - I was very uncomfortable b/c it's still very early but I had to remind myself that this is #4 & I guess that's what happens, the body just goes.  I had several moments of panic, I had to really stop & think about what I was panicking about & realized I didn't want people to notice b/c that shifted their minds away from James.  I was desperate - even with people who didn't know, think i may have even had a mini panic attack.  Aside from the fact that I don't know what to say when people congratulate me, I don't want them to congratulate me.  They try and reassure me that everything will be fine.  How do they know that?  How can they promise such a thing?  One angel baby mom said it best so far- she wished me a boring & uneventful pregnancy - perfect!

Here goes the basket case everyone has told me about.  I tried to explain it as follows- I have a grain of hope & a mountain of fear. 

I think I dreamt of you last night angel, missing you all the time & hoping you are near this Thanksgiving weekend.  Love Mommy xoxoxoxoxo

I am so moved.  I have learned that there are pure hearted people out there & I am so filled with wonder & gratitude that I'm at a loss for words.  I am filled with emotion, gratitude for kindnesses from unexpected people, people who have been consistetntly generous, from family. 

Thank you to everyone who has acknoweldged James' life.  He left us way too soon but has shown me the capacity of other people's ability to love & give beyond themselves in ways that go well beyond what I ever thought was possible.

James, I feel you close with every surprise & every gift.  I miss you & think of you constantly.

xoxoxox Mommy