Friday, 28 December 2012

Meme is coming

James I can just see you standing just inside the entrance way to heaven.  Meme is coming soon & I am torn up thinking of this world without her but know what a wonderful group of family are waiting for her.  She doesn't know you are waiting, I can't wait for her to meet you & care for you in her special way.  Please take her hand as she steps in and help her feel settled and comfortable.

Welcome her in with Pepe, Tonton Maurice, Marie and all the others standing in wait.  I know she is anxious to see you all.  I will shed tears for her and for you my angel and wait to see you both again.

Sending love & searching for the courage to say goodbye.

xo Mommy

Friday, 14 December 2012


These days my life is divided into 3 parts - Pre-loss, Post loss & today Pre-parent.  All of these segments of my life are unique & vastly different from each other.  As I passed through each, I was ultimately changed, evolving through the lessons that life felt obligated to impart on me.

In my pre-parent days I worked as a child protection worker.  In that job, I learned quickly that monsters do exist.  I have met, child abusers, pedophiles and all around bad people.  I was often criticized for being childless & that this made me less qualified.  In retrospect, I did miss some realities of being a parent but it allowed me to approach things impartially & protect children matter of factly.  I have no doubt that I saved at least one life if not more in my 3+ years in this role.

After becoming a parent, I have often looked back on those pre-parent days and wondered how & if I could have done that work with the heart of a mother pulling my heart strings.

In my post loss self, I have not spent much time reflecting on those times, but the events of today in Connecticut have brought them back.  I have seen people's reflections of anger, sorrow, grief and many spouting the shooter as a monster.   My mind was taken back to my child protection days & I was reminded, monsters do exist.  My mind immediately swelled with the pain & fear that parents must have felt waiting & praying for it to be anyone elses child, desperately waiting to see their children's face, eyes, feel their hugs, wipe their tears.  I thought, James, you now have 20 new friends to welcome, guide & stay with until their parents join them on their passing.

I hugged my children, smelled them, kissed them and told them that no matter where they are, even in heaven, I will always come and find them.

Wishing a safe passage to all the children & lost staff from the massacre today & unabiding love, courage and strength to those left behind in the worst moments of their lives.  Today, tomorrow and in your Pre & Post lives may you find those who can help make you move from moments to minutes to hours to days and beyond in this terrible grief cycle.

Thursday, 6 December 2012

Kate Middleton pregnant? Not everyone is celebrating.

This article is awesome.  I could have used this read all those months ago when I hated myself for not being able to do anything but swallow hard, blink, hold back tears or rage at the news of anyone else's pregnancy.

Excellently written, honest & totally relateable.

Kate Middleton pregnant? Not everyone is celebrating. Mamamia