Monday, 28 May 2012

Hope & homeopathy

What a difference a few hours can make.  Had I waited before posting my original post, it may have had a very different flavour - but it represents the truth & that is the beauty of this forum. 

B/c I am using midwifery care, they provided me with a connection to a Homeopath who does homeopathic inductions.  Before James died, I am sure that my doubts about this kind of treatment would have prevented me from being open minded enough to consider it.  After, and after especially watching all the documentaries, I am motivated to do anything that can help bring our unborn safely into this world.  Don't get me wrong, I still have doubts, they just aren't going to stop me.

I contacted her today to schedue a homeopathic induction - sounds like remedies etc to help move things along & I am reassured by my midwives that it is safe for both me & this baby. 

It is during this conversation that I was struck, I was honest about James' delivery and she was like a rocket, zeroing in on my anxiety, fear, sense of danger.  She spoke of the power of the mind to block labour if there is fear or doubt, she spoke of the sensitivity of babies to mother's feelings of danger & reassured me my body and baby can do this.  It was at the point of reassurance that my body can do this that my doubt raged in - my body can do this? I thought, it couldn't do this last time, my baby boy didn't have a chance to do this last time.  I was angry and frustrated.  Then I took a breath and thought, what if my greatest fear influences the outcome.  What happens if I don't make the effort to re-focus on hope rather then certainty & put in a little work, even if it feels unconventional, b/c a safe delivery is more important then my doubts?

So, I have some homework - try and focus on my first birth experience & pull out moments that made me feel confident in my body, positive moments to focus on & words that can help bring me back there when my doubts creep in.   

I see her Wednesday & I am scared & intrigued at the same time.  I guess I'd better get to work on being present & positive. 

The Homeopath's name is Piper Martin, she also writes a pregnancy blog & her focus of work is on homeopathic pregnancy.  I'm going to attach a link for anyone interested in her work, blog, philosophy etc - she seems like a phenomenal woman.

Waiting for our rainbow to come

I haven't blogged about this topic for a while to quell my mounting fear as we approached the coveted finish line.  Today however, I feel waves of emotion that somehow seem might only makes sense to those who may have also found themselves at this strange intersection in this journey.

Today is the day - the day that was estimated to be the due date for our hopeful rainbow to our family.  Today he remains tightly tucked inside & keeping us waiting with hopeful expectations.  Today is suppose to bring some clarity according to my midwife - all I know is that my strategy on how to cope with this most out of control & terrifying adventure has been suspended as we sit and wait.

For me the notion of clarity is knowing all the things that could possibly go wrong.  Hope on the other hand is the shred that I hang onto that we will have our miracle, our rainbow & not leave with empty arms, again.  As for today bringing some sense of resolution, so far it has brought tears but no revelations other then I am hopeful & afraid.

Up to a few weeks back, my strategy had been, small milestones.  Set my mind to focus on the next appointment, mini milestone b/c the big picture was far to overwhelming & frightening.  I became very good at focusing and redirecting my anxieties back to the next critical date.  Now there are no dates, just waiting.

For me, waiting has been torture, my anxiety has escalated & I admit become intrusive at times.  I am afraid he will die before or during delivery.  All I can do is focus on his precious movements, kicks, hiccups, they are all I have to cling to as we wait.  James is always forefront in my mind & I have coordinated being able to keep his locket with me during delivery - I can't do this without having him there.  I have always hoped that his essence will be present and protect us & his little brother during his most vulnerable moments. 

I also admit that I have indulged my neuroses on occasion, watching documentaries about birthing and impact of drugs and the medical systems' standardisation of birth.  It has absolutely fed my fear about how some interventions can negatively impact the outcome.  I keep reminding myself & saying out loud just to make it real that we are motivated to do what ever it takes to have a live & healthy baby, bottom line.

As I cling to that shred of hope, I believe I can do this. Now all we have to do is wait & pray. 

Wednesday, 23 May 2012

Editors response

Find below the response from one of the editors at the Toronto Star in response to the complaint made re: the thoughtless & hurtful headline:

Undertstand that the writers of articles do not generally write the headlines on them. I agree that one is insensitive and will pass your comments on to the appropriate person.
Jim Slotek

Not sure how I feel about this response.  Acknowledgement yes, but feels a little like a brush off to me.  Maybe I'm too sensitive but a two liner response? And where's the apology?

Am I just being a hormonal, sensitive girl?  What are your thoughts? 

Saturday, 19 May 2012

Ignorance in the media - again!

I found the below comment from a mom who was flipping through the Toronto Star yesterday and to her horror came across more thoughtless print.  Here is what she wrote:

In the Entertainment section of today's newspaper (The Toronto Star) an editor was reviewing the movie "What to Expect When You Are Expecting" They gave it a very poor rating but what insulted me the most was the headline they used. "PREGNANCY COMEDY BASED ON SELF-HELP BOOK IS STILLBORN"
She immediately wrote the paper with her concern & complaint & it has since been changed in their online version of the paper.  First, an acknowledgement of her spirit to take action, I know there was a time when I would have been so stunned that I wouldn't have had the courage to do the same.  Second, shame & disappointment with the paper for allowing such a thing to go to print, this means the writer, editor & whatever other screening agents who are paid to scrutinise material before it goes to print, saw & thought no issue with what was about to go to print.  If it had been the Toronto Sun, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised, the Star however, I had a higher expectations.

Mike and I were speaking about it & we agreed that the longer it sat with us and we thought about it, the worse of a blow it felt.  He spoke about media using shock factor to reel in its audience and wondered out loud if this was an unfortunate example of this.  I guess I am more hopeful or naive, hoping that it is the thoughtlessness & ignorance rearing it's ugly head...again.

Either way definitely not something I am prepared to leave unspoken to.  I feel like there have been too many of these recently & so I am committed to do my part & write in and share my disappointment in the quality and lack judgement that the paper chose to exercise here.  I have asked for more info from the above mom to help me direct my concerns - if you are so inclined to share your thoughts with the paper or here in this forum, please feel free.  I would love to hear your feedback & thoughts.

xoxo angel - Mommy misses you.

Sunday, 6 May 2012

International bereaved mother's day

Today is International Bereaved mother's day.  Not sure I know what more to say, not our first, not our last.

I found a new online magazine dedicated to baby loss where moms & dads can contribute articles and other items on a monthly basis called, Still Standing.  Today's contribution is by Carly Marie Dudley about International Mother's day.

I know the idea of a place where I can read & relate appeals to me.  Here's the link -Still Standing - have a read.

Missing you today and everyday sweet angel boy. xoxo  Mommy

Still Standing Blog Hop