Sunday, 13 April 2014

Another birthday

Tomorrow is my birthday.  This year, I felt some return of anticipation, could think of a few things that I wanted, felt like I had earned back some of my "regular" ways.  But tonight, I am reminded that there is  no return to "normal" just distraction that grows a bit more with every month & year that passes by.

I said today to Mike, gone are the days of happy birthdays, its been at least 4 years since I've had one of those.  Then it occurred to me, this will make 4 birthdays since James died.

Many things have happened, many great things, some not so great.  We are trying to move, our house is up for sale & while we have been showing our homes, I've had to relocate our James memorial.  I am pained every time I think of it.  I know I'm not hiding him, but he's hidden to entice other people to like our home.  Some twisted reality that one is.  One that hurts me, but for the betterment of our family, we need to get the hell out of this town.  Closer to our family, where the boys can grow up.  Solid reasons, terrible sacrifice (moving James), living a tortured secret life that no one knows.

I have agreed to join the bereavement groups I used to attend after losing James again , this time as a facilitator.  I am nervous but excited.  This is the place where I used to go not to feel alone, I think the alone feeling has returned & I need to feel like people get me, from the deepest, darkest place inside, to the in between moments of distraction.

As I think about where my grief is at today, I think it is like a good friend, who I don't always see but when I need her is always there.  It comes in many ways now, but mostly I feel comforted when I can think of my lost son.  Sometime, its an arch enemy, blind siding me when I least expect it, crippling me with pain, like a sudden blow that knocks your wind out & leaves you gasping for air.  My grief is mine, I have hopes for it, even some goals but mostly it is my only link back to a child that grew in my body, heart, that I held in my hands & then had to say goodbye to.

My birthday is tomorrow, it will be gone and forgotten as quickly as it came, like my son.