Monday, 30 July 2012


Our family celebrated a great day.  A close family member got married over the weekend & Jev was the ring bearer.  The day & night were beautiful, a wonderful balance of tradition and informality. 

As I prepared myself, I faced another first, choosing to take off my locket in order to wear a different necklace more suited for my outfit.  A gut wrenching, inner struggle that ended with me giving myself permission to take him off.  I grabbed for him all day, and still feel guilt for not having him with me.   I have him back on now but have still struggled with my choice.  The truth is that I have been beating myself up so much I didn't want to tell anyone I had even taken him off for fear that someone would confirm my deepest fear, I have dishonoured my child.  Then today I found a comment by another babyloss parent about not feeling guilt for not wearing memorial jewellery.  I still feel guilt but knowing others have felt this guilt and being reassured feels like a gift.  Perhaps this gift comes from James himself, telling me he knows his locket keeps him close to my heart but he lives there & in my mind every moment, always, locket or no locket.

Tuesday, 24 July 2012

Love & legacy

It wasn't until after I posted the news about our rainbow that I realized that it was my 100th post.  What an incredible coincidence, I started posting in Feb 2011, one month after losing James and a year and 4 months later I've reached my 100th & it is filled with hope & a miracle.  Thank you James.

Time seems to be rushing by & I am struck everyday by the power of this experience.  I find myself thinking of James more often, loving more passionately and thoughtful about how to make sense & balance it all.  Ewan will often grab my locket, pulling on it and I find myself hoping James is present to know how my heart swells but aches at the same time. 

Early on as a student I studied psychology, I was taught that when trying to help clients cope with challenging emotions, you assist them to condition their responses to stimuli, exposing them to the emotions that are uncomfortable & replacing it with the opposite emotions.  The premise being that you can't experience conflicting emotions at the same time, i.e. you can't be afraid & relaxed simultaneously.   Made sense at the time but  I can confidently challenge this idea now, I live with a conflicted heart everyday that soars with joy & mingles with grief simultaneously, happiness & sadness together.  I watch my boys interact & inhale love & gratitude and exhale the heaviness in my heart.  I would have never believed this to be possible as a student of ideologies & the human condition, but life cut in & has become the real teacher.  Although this sounds like the heaviness wins, it doesn't, it has taken on the the responsibility of protecting James' memory, his legacy, become my motivation that my children will always celebrate each other whether they are here on this physical plain or have grown their wings.

Jev & Ewan holding hands :)

I have read other rainbow parents write & heard other babyloss parents say that they love their rainbows more, not more then their other children but in a way that can't really be completely described.  Perhaps it comes from having lost, knowing it can all be snatched away, that we realize the grandness of the miracle and try to savour, cherish every moment.  Perhaps it is because they hold some of their siblings essence.  I know that I feel it, the overpowering strength of this love, one that is not comparable or completely explainable.  I have felt guilt over it but mostly embrace it b/c if I dont' & lose even one moment in his life where there are no guarantees & death doesn't discriminate I know I couldn't live with that regret.  So I choose to let it flood in.

After publishing this post, I came across a poem written by another baby loss parent about their rainbow, published in the literary online magazine Exhale.  Feels like too much of a coincidence, so I'm posting the link here b/c it says things so simply but captures them completely - Bittersweet

Loving you more & missing you deeply James. 

xoxo Mommy