Saturday, 31 December 2011

Goodbye 2011

Good bye & good riddance 2011.   Those are my sentiments about leaving the worst year of my life behind & starting what we hope will be a new year with new hopes.  Although this captures my feelings entirely, I am riddled with guilt for it.  After all despite it being the worst year of my life, literally, we were blessed with the our son coming into our lives briefly but with significance.  If it weren't for that significance it couldn't have been the worst year. 

So, I guess I have to re-state things, good riddance 2011, the worst year of my life, for having met & having to say goodbye to my son James.  The cruelty of this blessing will not end b/c the year turns over but in some way it'll feel good to have it over non the less.

I guess this is the life sentence of a bereaved parent, the pain & promise woven together in everything, every breath, every opportunity, every hope. 

No resolutions this year, no point, still at the everything is beyond our control so why bother stage.

Hoping you will join us tonight as we prepare to let out this year James.  You are always close to my heart & top of my mind dear angel boy.  Wishes for a different kind of new years eve swirling in my heart today.

Sending love xoxoxoxo Mommy

Monday, 26 December 2011

It's over.  It was such a whirlwind that I have barely had a chance to reflect.  A few moments stand out.

We visited a lot this holiday season, our times were positive & Jeven was spoiled & had a endless fun.  These were the precious moments, these were also the ones that made me wonder how things "could" have been. 

Got some news about a cousin due a few weeks before we are, they are having a boy.  The news pricked my senses, I felt hate in my heart for their good fortune & resentment for the son we are missing.  This was but the beginning of a weekend full of focus on what we hope will be our 3rd child.  I felt a hole where James should have been but more over, the sting of realizing others are replacing their memories of him with our 3rd.  James 1st birthday is but a few short weeks away & he is far from the minds of his family, but not his parents.

Holidays are over, I'm exhausted - burnt out a bit if I'm being honest, but I feel no relief for having survived - I'm actually angry for having had to survive.

Another few weeks to survive & then hit re-set and start all over again...

Monday, 19 December 2011

The tree

We put up our tree last night.  This year we decided to get a real tree, felt Jev was old enough to appreciate it & although we're a little late, in it came.  Jev was very excited, raring to put on the ornaments & before we even knew it the tree was being trimmed!  I was feeling pretty sick yesterday from fatigue & pregnancy related stuff so I was in charge of prepping ornaments to be hung & handing them to Jev & Mike.  I watched Jev & Mike together putting on individual ornaments & thinking about how significant this first was for Jev & Mike & then it hit me. 

I was overcome with emotion and at first, for a split second, I thought I was moved by watching Jev's excitement & realising the significance of this event.  Then my emotion became mixed, joy as watched my oldest marvel & squeal in delight & grief for my youngest who was never going to get a chance to have this experience.  I bought a special ornament, we buy one every year with the year on it & this year represents James.  It says "Always remembered 2011" and I watched as Mike hung it in a clearly visible spot & felt a moment of calm as I thought in some small way we had brought him along in our tree trimming evening. 

Still feeling very fragile and the sight of the tree feels different.  How is it possible for everything to feel only half full? Only have partial meaning? I guess these are the moments that have to be redefined b/c they can't ever feel the same.  Strangely, I hadn't realised but I would have preferred to not have a tree this year.  This of course is completely ridiculous b/c I would never deprive Jev of such an wondrous experience, but my heart feels wounded again. 

I am officially dreading the holidays, which begin for us on Tuesday with Hanukkah.  8 days of torture with Christmas to throw salt in the wound right in between. 

James, hoping by bringing you along in our family times, you get to experience a glimpse of the times we had hoped to share with you.  While our love makes us sad that you can't be here with us in person, it also leaves us hope you are with us anyway.   Missing you so much it hurts. 

xoxoxoxo Mommy

Sunday, 18 December 2011

Sometimes I forget

Sometimes, I forget.  I forget that life is never going to be the same, not even the most minor parts. 

Yesterday night we headed to Mike's annual work Christmas party.  We had a babysitter lined up, it's the one thing we do every year.  As we prepped to go, I wondered if someone would say something about James but left it really at that.  My expectations were similar to last year, when I pregnant with James.  Boy was I wrong.  That party, all parties will never be the same.

We sat with people we know, who know about James & then the rest of the table filled.  Two other couples, one visibly pregnant with their first baby.  The mom, speaking about how easy her pregnancy has been, how she'll be off mid March, how they need to start getting "ready".  I sat beside her, she was a beautiful person but all I could think about was James.  The same script ran through my mind, "you have no idea how you're world could be ripped away" all the while hoping she never has to know. 

While I am visibly pregnant as well, just not obviously as far along, no one asked me a single question.  I was left to sit & remember the previous year & strain to remember how it felt to have James with me.  I realised how close we are to when our world fell apart just a little over a year ago & how clueless I was, how unprepared I would be.  The night brought back happy hopes & crushed dreams.  I wanted to leave from almost the moment we arrived.

The rest of the night was filled with my own sensitivity to comments from those who couldn't know & who's comments one year ago would have rolled over my shoulders like nothing.  Not last night, never again.

We came home, exhausted - by far the latest night I've had in months & emotionally wanting to distance myself from my feelings.  Then a sleepless night with Jev pulling a crazy all nighter, even when in bed with us.  At almost 4;30am I finally had to leave the room, I came downstairs & cried tears that I have been holding back for a long time.   Tears for me, tears for James, tears for the past, tears for the future, tears from frustration & fatigue, tears for tears.

Today I still feel sensitive, like I could breakdown but overall, I am just reminded that nothing, no celebration, no tradition, no holiday will ever be the same & that makes me sad.  Next week, will be my next adventure in firsts & I think if yesterday night is any reflection, it will be a hard one.  I am closer to anger then I've been in a while, but, in light of all the things we MUST face without our son, I doubt it's anything less then a normal.

James, I slept close to you last night in your room & missed you deeply.  Felt your younger brother or sister last night for the first time in a while & wished it didn't remind me of how much I miss you.  Hoping you will give me the courage to make it through the next week and a bit more with some composure. 

Sending all my love xoxoxo Mommy

Thursday, 15 December 2011

"The" visit

Yesterday was the dreaded appointment where James was found to have no heartbeat, just a little less then one year ago.  I have not felt fear like that in as long as I can remember, close to tears, shallow breath, heart pounding & almost unable to form a single word.  The midwife was late, I was pained waiting every moment knowing what I was potentially facing.

B/c the midwife remembered us from last time, she brought us into a different exam room - a little kindness that helped me so much.  We went straight to finding the heartbeat & right away 2 little kicks but no heartbeat.  I knew if there were kicks that had to mean everything was fine, but with each passing moment that no heartbeat was heard, my throat tightened a bit more & the hairs on my arms & neck stood on end.  Finally, a heartbeat.  That beautiful sound - Mike heard it first, I had to clear my mind of my own pounding heartbeat & focus & finally there it was.  The little bugger was hiding deep in my pelvic area - little bugger with a that beautiful heartbeat.

I almost burst into tears as she spoke to me & I tried to compose myself.  No questions to ask, our appointment ended quickly.  I had to come down off the adrenaline of panic & then relief.  A trip to Starbucks was next, to celebrate.  I treated myself after all what could be more worthy of celebrating then a heartbeat?

James - as I sat there remembering us together that fateful day, I couldn't believe I was there again - without you.  Someone asked about your locket today & I got to tell them the truth & talk about your life.  What a wonderful gift to be able to talk openly about you.  Missing you, wishing yesterday's appointment was one year ago & you were still with me/us.  Now just trying to get through the holidays without you. 

Hoping you celebrated with me yesterday & that your essence was in that gorgeous heartbeat. 

Missing you & hoping you are near.  xoxoxoxo mommy

Tuesday, 13 December 2011


Over the weekend we spent some time with our neighbours.  A strange dynamic at best, but for the most part good people and an opportunity to spend some combined adult & kid play time.

Only one thing that has stayed with me.  One of the couples are our former neighbours, the ones that lost their son Lucas at 25 days.  They have since had a beautiful rainbow baby, a daughter Olivia.  The other couple know both of our stories, Lucas' and James', so there was no need to pretend.  The strange part was that all I could think about was that Jeven is the age that Lucas would be & how hard it must be for them & looking Olivia, made think about how things should be for us & I felt a deep sense of loss. 

I was so affected by this that I couldn't sleep the whole night, all I could see in my mind when I closed my eyes was Andrea's face (Lucas' mom) and the emptiness I felt watching everything unfold that night.

It's been several months since I've been able to go to the bereavement group b/c it's not open when you're pregnant.  I have found that since I've stopped going I feel very far away from my feelings & find myself back to feeling isolated.  So I found it strange to be in a room with other bereaved parents & feel so far apart. 

Tomorrow is our midwife appointment.  I am grateful for any prayers or good wishes anyone might want to send around 9am b/c all I'll be thinking about is James.  My poor baby without a heartbeat, me laying on the same examination bed, almost one year ago at the exact same gestation, so unprepared, life about to change permanently.

Deep breath for all the things I can not control.  Deep breath for all the hopes I can muster.

xoxoxo missing & remembering every second.  Mommy

Thursday, 8 December 2011


It's been a strange time.  Things have been busy, time is seeming to fly by & I feel like I am getting swept along, like I'm caught in the under tow in a stream that is rushing & gushing.

I have tried to make a conscious effort to not allow myself to go to the scary place where all my worst fears live.  I have been successful for the most part.  I still have moments where I have flashes of ugly moments & on occasion am snapped into reality where I realize how close we are to when we lost James, both in gestation & his angelversary.

I am forcing myself to forge on, holidays coming fast, colds & flu's whirling around at home and my sanity holding on by a thread.  The most insignificant things, songs, TV shows, deep breaths all bring about tears & that familiar yet hated thrust of the chest, that comes from deep down where the most painful grief lingers.

Sometime between now & next week James died almost a year ago at this point in my pregnancy.  I can't feel this baby moving but they say it's b/c the placenta is forming anteriorly (in the front).  In my mind it's just another form of torture.  Next week I see my midwife & this will be the equivalent check up to the one where we couldn't find James' heart beat.  I am numb at the thought of all this but completely tortured.

All this & the torment of getting closer to the holidays & the missing stocking still burning in my mind.  100% powerless to protect this newest child from harm, to be able to share the upcoming holidays with my youngest son, against the cold/flu season, against the tears which appear on whim.  Feeling alone, powerless & like this torment will never end.  I keep telling myself, something got to get easier - right?

Thursday, 1 December 2011

Dec 1st

Today feels like a day of contradictions.  2 years ago today a little boy was born to neighbours of ours & his brief life would touch us deeply.  He was born exactly 3 months after Jeven & we felt an instant connection to him.  Although we knew he had a battle ahead of him we hoped & prayed for the best possible outcome.  In life's cruel way, 25 days later he grew his wings.  Back then, we did only what we knew how & sent support & food hoping to help his parents in some small way.  Little did we know then that this would also be our reality almost a year later.

Today I am planning to bring over a card to honour Lucas' birthday.  I am nervous but hope the gesture helps them to know we will never forget him.

In sharp contrast, my friend, one that I've come to know only because of having lost James is having her rainbow baby today.  She has a scheduled C and may have already delivered him safely by now - fingers more tightly crossed then ever.  I woke this morning anxious at the thought.  I have a card for her as well, welcoming her miracle & remembering his older sister.  All I have to do now is wait for word & in the mean time wait & pray for his safe arrival into this world.

What a strange contradiction, to have to write a birthday card to a child gone too soon, and a birthday card to a rainbow baby who's sister left too soon. 

Please send all your prayers & best vibes for the birth of this very special little boy and that he arrive healthy into the arms of his very loving parents. 

James, please hold Emma Jade's hand as she guides her little brother into this world safely.  Please also give Lucas the warmest hug and remind him how much he is loved, remembered & missed by all but most of all by his parents. 

Missing you & moved to tears often these days. I hoping you are always near & know how much you are loved & missed.
xoxoxox Mommy