"The" visit

Yesterday was the dreaded appointment where James was found to have no heartbeat, just a little less then one year ago.  I have not felt fear like that in as long as I can remember, close to tears, shallow breath, heart pounding & almost unable to form a single word.  The midwife was late, I was pained waiting every moment knowing what I was potentially facing.

B/c the midwife remembered us from last time, she brought us into a different exam room - a little kindness that helped me so much.  We went straight to finding the heartbeat & right away 2 little kicks but no heartbeat.  I knew if there were kicks that had to mean everything was fine, but with each passing moment that no heartbeat was heard, my throat tightened a bit more & the hairs on my arms & neck stood on end.  Finally, a heartbeat.  That beautiful sound - Mike heard it first, I had to clear my mind of my own pounding heartbeat & focus & finally there it was.  The little bugger was hiding deep in my pelvic area - little bugger with a that beautiful heartbeat.

I almost burst into tears as she spoke to me & I tried to compose myself.  No questions to ask, our appointment ended quickly.  I had to come down off the adrenaline of panic & then relief.  A trip to Starbucks was next, to celebrate.  I treated myself after all what could be more worthy of celebrating then a heartbeat?

James - as I sat there remembering us together that fateful day, I couldn't believe I was there again - without you.  Someone asked about your locket today & I got to tell them the truth & talk about your life.  What a wonderful gift to be able to talk openly about you.  Missing you, wishing yesterday's appointment was one year ago & you were still with me/us.  Now just trying to get through the holidays without you. 

Hoping you celebrated with me yesterday & that your essence was in that gorgeous heartbeat. 

Missing you & hoping you are near.  xoxoxoxo mommy