Yesterday was the dreaded appointment where James was found to have no heartbeat, just a little less then one year ago. I have not felt fear like that in as long as I can remember, close to tears, shallow breath, heart pounding & almost unable to form a single word. The midwife was late, I was pained waiting every moment knowing what I was potentially facing.
B/c the midwife remembered us from last time, she brought us into a different exam room - a little kindness that helped me so much. We went straight to finding the heartbeat & right away 2 little kicks but no heartbeat. I knew if there were kicks that had to mean everything was fine, but with each passing moment that no heartbeat was heard, my throat tightened a bit more & the hairs on my arms & neck stood on end. Finally, a heartbeat. That beautiful sound - Mike heard it first, I had to clear my mind of my own pounding heartbeat & focus & finally there it was. The little bugger was hiding deep in my pelvic area - little bugger with a that beautiful heartbeat.
I almost burst into tears as she spoke to me & I tried to compose myself. No questions to ask, our appointment ended quickly. I had to come down off the adrenaline of panic & then relief. A trip to Starbucks was next, to celebrate. I treated myself after all what could be more worthy of celebrating then a heartbeat?
James - as I sat there remembering us together that fateful day, I couldn't believe I was there again - without you. Someone asked about your locket today & I got to tell them the truth & talk about your life. What a wonderful gift to be able to talk openly about you. Missing you, wishing yesterday's appointment was one year ago & you were still with me/us. Now just trying to get through the holidays without you.
Hoping you celebrated with me yesterday & that your essence was in that gorgeous heartbeat.
Missing you & hoping you are near. xoxoxoxo mommy