We put up our tree last night. This year we decided to get a real tree, felt Jev was old enough to appreciate it & although we're a little late, in it came. Jev was very excited, raring to put on the ornaments & before we even knew it the tree was being trimmed! I was feeling pretty sick yesterday from fatigue & pregnancy related stuff so I was in charge of prepping ornaments to be hung & handing them to Jev & Mike. I watched Jev & Mike together putting on individual ornaments & thinking about how significant this first was for Jev & Mike & then it hit me.
I was overcome with emotion and at first, for a split second, I thought I was moved by watching Jev's excitement & realising the significance of this event. Then my emotion became mixed, joy as watched my oldest marvel & squeal in delight & grief for my youngest who was never going to get a chance to have this experience. I bought a special ornament, we buy one every year with the year on it & this year represents James. It says "Always remembered 2011" and I watched as Mike hung it in a clearly visible spot & felt a moment of calm as I thought in some small way we had brought him along in our tree trimming evening.
Still feeling very fragile and the sight of the tree feels different. How is it possible for everything to feel only half full? Only have partial meaning? I guess these are the moments that have to be redefined b/c they can't ever feel the same. Strangely, I hadn't realised but I would have preferred to not have a tree this year. This of course is completely ridiculous b/c I would never deprive Jev of such an wondrous experience, but my heart feels wounded again.
I am officially dreading the holidays, which begin for us on Tuesday with Hanukkah. 8 days of torture with Christmas to throw salt in the wound right in between.
James, hoping by bringing you along in our family times, you get to experience a glimpse of the times we had hoped to share with you. While our love makes us sad that you can't be here with us in person, it also leaves us hope you are with us anyway. Missing you so much it hurts.