Tuesday, 30 October 2012


Halloween festivities are in full swing despite hurricane Sandy & the wild weather we've been having.  Costumes have been chosen, candy bought, pumpkins carved...I can't however, stop thinking about what this time of year would be like if James was still with us.  He would be almost a year and half...what costume would he wear, what interests would he have, what would his personality be like? How wonderful it would be to watch him marvel over all the costumes, smile at every door, delight over the delicious candy & spin from the sugar rush with his brothers.

Hope the candy is sweet where you are angel.

xoxo Mommy

Thursday, 25 October 2012

Here I come

Talk about getting what you ask for...

In my last post I talked about giving back & the opportunity to "pay it forward" if you will.  Well no sooner did I have the post out then another baby loss mom I came to know through the support group reached out to me.  She shared the most wonderful news, she is anxiously expecting again & hoping to get some validation, strategies and reassurance that she isn't losing her mind from another rainbow mom.  Not to mention hear anything other then the cliche congratulations and everything is going to be ok that those who we pray never have to walk in our shoes always say, but that we know better.

Not only did I send her some suggestions, we even got together.  It was SO wonderful to see her, share in her guarded excitement  I SO remember that feeling, hear her fears, relate to everything she said, feel normal again.  I think I helped put a few things back in perspective & reassure her that while it is very different, far from enjoyable or carefree this time around, everything is totally normal.  I listened to her, felt myself being transported back, shared my experiences & talked openly about James without feeling like I had to explain who, how & most importantly why.  Her total acceptance, acknowledgement and joy for his life & his continued presence in mine, stirred something in me.  It's been too long since I've felt normal.  I need to get back to feeling normal, not just pretending to be.

Since then, I have been an emotional wreck, teary eyed, foggy headed, memory flash backs, enjoying tighter cuddles with the boys.

So, in my previous post I asked myself, ready or not?  My answer is: watch out b/c here I come.

Wednesday, 17 October 2012

Ready or not?

Ready or not here I come!  That game of hide and seek we all played as children, has found new meaning as I battle a game of am I ready or not to take this journey to the next level.  Only I am seeking meaning but find myself hiding.

I have wanted for some time to transform my experience into something meaningful for others.  It has been an extremely powerful & meaningful experience in my life & thanks to a few golden hearted people who have also been there & the help of our local Pregnancy and Infant loss (PAIL) Network, I am still standing and putting one step in front of the other, albeit harder some days then others.

I feel that my opportunity has knocked, ready or not..  Our local PAIL network reached out for parents to be panelists at their bi-annual training for physicians, nurses, midwives etc on sensitivity and early pregnancy and infant loss.  We are to tell our stories & touch on things that were helpful & others that we wished were different.  Our stories are to inform the practice of these professionals as they work with other parents entering this terrible journey.

I am so eager I am jumping out of my skin, ready or not..  My husband on the other hand is not so sure.  I wanted to sit together and tell our stories b/c I feel he has something valuable to contribute, but he isn't sure that allowing the memory to come flooding back won't be ripping the bandaid off his wounds.  While I think I understand, I still want to participate, but am scared no terrified.  I don't think I can go alone.  I'm thinking about asking a good friend to come with me, but I keep having to ask myself, if you have to go alone, can you do it?  should you do it?   I am to reply to the network with my preferred date, but  I am paralyzed by fear..fear of going alone, fear of the flood of emotions, fear of falling apart & being all alone, fear of feeling all alone and then looking around & realizing I am alone.  Why does something so important, so meaningful have to be so hard, feel like such a risk?  I guess the meaningful things generally involve some effort & risk?  or is it that I'm just not ready?

I also reached out and expressed my interest in becoming a facilitator to their open groups, ready or not..  Their response has been one of enthusiasm and I have cold feet.  It has been so long since I've had the opportunity to tell our story, live in that space and think about James and our time together and all the feelings that go along with it, that I worry, I am right for the role?  My head says, you always doubt yourself and prove yourself wrong, you are a trained professional and a survivor with lots of meaningful things to share.   But my heart says you hurt so much, can you really take the chance at making someone else's journey more painful if you're not ready....

So,  here I am at a stand torn between my good intentions and my doubts.  Ready or not...?  

Saturday, 13 October 2012

What You Should (and Shouldn't) Say to Someone Who is Experiencing a Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Infant Loss | Naturally Knocked Up

Came across this piece in the Still standing magazine.  I have seen this kind of thing posted many different ways, but this one is particularly well written.  Written from the perspective of the person who has lost but in a way that I think those who haven't lost can appreciate.

Wish I could have shared this with others after we lost James, could have spared us many uncomfortable moments, hurt feelings and fractured relationships...or maybe not.

What You Should (and Shouldn't) Say to Someone Who is Experiencing a Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Infant Loss | Naturally Knocked Up

Our lost youth

This post isn't about my child but my heart is raging b/c another family now has to live without theirs.  Although I hadn't heard about this on the news - don't get to watch much of anything other then Treehouse these days...when I had some quiet moments, I read & then subsequently watched the Youtube video.  Since then, I am consumed with anger at how lost our youth have become & how technology has provided them with a lethal platform for mischief.  I can't even think about what I would do if this was happening to my children but I can only imagine the absolute torture her family is forever left to live with.

I am sending strength and courage to the family & loved ones of this child and hope those who have some responsibility are prosecuted harshly.

Vancouver area teen kills herself after posting youtube video about her being bullied

Wednesday, 10 October 2012

Family pictures & Thanksgiving

Since James died, I am a strong believer in family pictures/portraits.  We were never able to have pictures taken of James, no foot prints, hand prints, nothing tangible except his ultrasound pictures and our memories.  As a result, I have adopted the position that you can never take for granted that you will have the opportunity to take pictures tomorrow.  Since that time, we have had family portraits taken annually.

As I searched for a photographer, I had many expectations.  I also received many recommendations and after some research I found someone, not who's pictures impressed me the most, but who gives back to the community through NILMDTS (Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep), photography of babies who have died.  I contacted her immediately.  Here I was looking to capture a moment in my children's lives so I never have to regret not having them & here I stumbled onto someone who gives the most incredible gift during the worst possible moments in parents lives.  I spoke with her that same day & expressed my gratitude, my admiration and our story.

As the days lead up to the photo shoot, I was emotional, sad, weepy, more then the usual.  This year I felt the magnitude of the void that would be in the pictures more then I expected.  Invisible spaces where James should be, smiling, squirming, making faces and tag teaming with his older brother to get out of the confines of the poses they were being asked to hold.  Silly faces, noisy fun and smiles, all the things that I miss so much.

The day after the shoot we celebrated Canadian thanksgiving with very close & special family.  This year we all shared what we were thankful for.  It certainly felt strange to have anything to be thankful for, but I was, thankful for my boys, thankful for our family, thankful for the boys being healthy.  The ability to be thankful has returned but the void, the heartache will never be gone.  So while others proclaimed their thanks, I whispered I miss you.

We are now waiting impatiently for our proofs & I'm hoping for a shadow, smudge or twinkle that tells me you were there.

Missing you angel.  xoxo Mommy