Friday, 25 November 2011

3 instead of 4

Holidays are coming....I've started to decorate & the glaring absences are striking.  The most striking are 3 stockings instead of 4.  I've pondered getting a mini stocking but what would I put in it?  Then I resign that there will just always be one missing.  I can almost see in my mind what things could have been like, a warm blanket that once you take it off leaves you cold, chilled to the bone.

Jev has been sick again, poor little guy.  Tis the season of flu & colds especially at daycare.

There is now more talk about "when the baby is born" and it makes me feel uneasy - we are still so far away from that being reality & we still need to cross that invisible milestone - the one where we lost James.  Then we have to cross the most dreaded first, his first angel day - I'm already bracing myself for what I am afraid are some emotional days ahead.  It seems like they are stacked one on top of the other.  The only good thing is that our next scan is before James' day & all I can do is hope that we get there & that everything is healthy.  Then with that behind us, I can focus on getting through "that" day. 

Remembering the good, bad & ugly these days & trying to dissociate myself from connecting this time from the last to preserve my sanity.  I'm also trying to dedicate time to each of my children in my quiet moments.

Missing you angel & hoping you'll send me some ideas of how to include you as we approach the holidays b/c I am desperate to feel your presence.

xoxxoxoxo Mommy

Monday, 14 November 2011


I'm having trouble sleeping.  As I lay awake last night waiting & hoping for sleep to set in I had a revelation.  Both my grandmothers, who, amazingly are still alive, lost babies.  My Meme I remember her telling me, lost a daughter on the delivery table.  She had described going into labour & needing a C section.  I remember her saying she woke from the surgery to find out her baby had died before being delivered - cord accident I think, cord wrapped around her neck.  Marie was her name, first born, before my mother - she only speaks of this every so often. 

My grandma's story is different, she had delivered a son who was healthy but during war time.  She was forced to up root her family & travel to safer place.  Being a Jew made times dangerous in Europe, so towards a safer existence they all went.  I don't know what the exact circumstances are but the baby boy previously healthy became sick & later died in my grandmother's arms.  Her choice to carry her baby boy now sleeping with her& the other children or find a place to leave him so the rest could move to a safer place.  What a horrible choice to have to make.  She made the most difficult decision, one that I'm sure haunts her to this day, she left her angel baby behind.  I have never heard my grandma tell this story, not until recently did I have this much info about it.  My heart breaks for her as I think about it now.

I wish I felt I could speak to my grandmother's about their losses.  One is so deaf i doubt she'd even understand what I was saying, the other, so closed about it that I wouldn't even know how to broach the subject.  What a terrible legacy to have to carry on. 

Today I was flipping around looking at some poetry written by other angel mom's and was moved to tears several times.  The power of the written word - especially when it feels like you are reading your own feelings, thougths that until you saw someone else write them were but screams in your mind.  

Feeling you close today angel. xoxox Mommy

Friday, 11 November 2011

Is there anything more beautiful then the sight of your unborn child's heart beating?  Had you asked me this 2 years ago, I'd of thought the question was crazy.  Today, however, I can't think of anything more gorgeous then that. 

Did the screening today & although everything is fine, I didn't walk away as elated as last time - guess knowing I have to wait another 8 weeks before I see him/her again is weighing on my mind.  Just have to take it one day at a time & picture that gorgeous beating heart in my mind.

James I held you close to my heart as the technician searched for the nuchal translucency today - felt flutters of panic in my heart & just pictured you near to calm myself down.  Now comes that worst of it, the lead up to when you left us, both in the weeks of gestation but also your angel day is coming. 

Missing you angel xoxox Mommy

Thursday, 10 November 2011

Roller Coaster & good bye

What a roller coaster recently.  I have swung from paralyzing fear to pure panic, to elation to sadness all in the same week - sigh.  It has been one for reflection & realization - this is going to be hard & I am going to need a team of supportive people & professionals to get me through it.  I am going to have to trust my instincts even if they are wrong while trying to stay mindful.

I learned that my family experienced a loss, an uncle who has been sick for some time passed on.  It is a mixed experience for me, his passing was merciful as he had suffered for a long time, it has made me aware of the cycle of life - even though I don't really believe in that anymore - it has made me feel for those left behind.  I hope that James and my Pepe received him with love & he is watching up above & can feel all my fond memories of him.  Funny how since James left I all I can think of is honouring the life of person who has passed. 

James, I think I can feel your little brother or sister now but I worry that he/she will stop moving like you.  I need your help to stay patient & positive.  I'll see him/her tomorrow again at the screening & would love for you to hold my hand b/c your dad can't be there.  Keep your Tonton Maurice company since he's new & tell him how much we love & miss him.

xoxoxox Mommy

Tuesday, 8 November 2011

Breathing again

I can breath again - at least for now.  Mike ended up coming with me & I'm so grateful to have had him there.  The first thing we saw was the baby's heart beating - the torso was the first thing to pop on the screen & both Mike & I zoomed in on that little beating heart.  I welled up with tears.

We had the most wonderful technician - it was as if she was sent to us from heaven - maybe James had something to do with it.  She not only did the usual but went well beyond - she had asked us before our history so must have known how important all the little details were.  I told her how grateful I was for her - I'm not sure she really knew how much I meant it.  She even marked the nuchal pocket & told us it was normal - a complete angel.  Measured the heartbeat & even let us hear it, my heart was overwhelmed with joy, relief & love, I feel really lucky to have shared with moment with Mike, the only other person who was with me when we couldn't find James' heartbeat - it just meant so much.

So, I know this is still early but I need to savour this day, what feels like a victory.  I know tomorrow things could change, but I get to go back on Friday and see it all over again -I can't wait! 

James - I know you were there & smiled over us as our hearts lept with joy at the good news.  What a relief to know you are always with us.  We started talking about your angel day - it's coming fast & we hope to make it a celebration. 

I'm totally exhausted now - hoping I'll sleep well tonight, maybe you'll visit me and we can celebrate today together there.  xoxoxox Love you Mommy
My anxiety reached a whole new level today.  I have been thinking non stop about Friday & been flipping around looking at some info from other angel baby moms on pregnancy after loss.  Then I realized that everything I heard in groups said that the mom's knew something was wrong, I feel like something is wrong.  It was then that I decided I had to do something.  I couldn't sit & wait for the next 3 days, this level of anxiety can't be healthy for anyone let alone a baby, if it's still alive.  Then the next brain wave - I have an extra requisition for ultrasound - the one I never used to confirm heartbeat!  Next obstacle getting an appointment - I called & they had a cancellation for today - booked!  Now all I have to do is sit & wait....the hardest part.

I am terrified & prepared all at the same time for something to be wrong - D&C is what I'd be facing.  I'm also desperate for my gut to be wrong - please be wrong.  Only a little under 2 hours now until i know.   Next posting will either be- here we go again or -I can breath again - for now.

James, please be near during the ultrasound, I'm going to need all the extra strength I can get. 

xoxoxo Mommy

Monday, 7 November 2011


It's coming this Friday, the thing I thought I'd be desperate for. Thing is it seems to be eating away at my subconscious.  Ultrasound 1.  I had the choice, the requisition was in my hand, I could have had an ultrasound to confirm heartbeat, but just couldn't bring myself to do it.  what if it didn't?  I just wasn't prepared for that, so i decided to wait.  I thought i felt some movement & now I don't - my immediate thought - it's dead.  My next thought, if it's alive & we go past 12 weeks & something goes wrong, I'll have to deliver it sleeping again.  Mike says it's normal but I have to marvel at how different my mind is this time around.  No comfort, just landmarks of a different kind with ominous forecasting.

We also found out that a close friend of Mike's is due the same month as us, while in my heart I know how special this is, their first child has borough them so much joy, my gut says, one more baby to mark what should have been if something goes wrong. 

The very question of am I nervous about Friday immediately brought tears to my eyes.  I look at the sachet that holds you my angel & the happy ending we have been praying for seems like such a remote possibility.  I used to have a grain of hope, now I have a wave of lost hopes. 

Deep breath - 4 more days to go.