Friday, 8 August 2014

Judgement, closure, 2 things you learn very quickly when you join our club are offered spontaneously and with a predictability it makes us want to hide.  I have learned those things apply to things beyond grief, of course, but they are equally damaging.

That insensitive sniff that says you aren't done yet?!  That suggestion to do something to move towards and ending.  Judgement - false set of reality when things appear clear with obvious outcomes, closure - state of Devine peace after surviving an emotional situation allowing person to move forward. Both concepts are deeply flawed, I reject the latter as even being real, even a healthy part of emotional healing.  

At the core of both are expectations, different for each person, but ones that are unfair, unwarranted & un welcomed.  The world, order, moores, - sociology teaches us to question, not be complacent, ask hard questions, wonder if there is a different truth.  Tough order for many who's lives thrive on basic expectations, those damaged in some way who need the reassurance, consistency that society offers. 

Standing tall amidst the greater masses despite seeing a different reality, sometimes even alone is a daunting task most days.  Today was especially hard.  To be judged by your family, parents, expectations of closure, threats of distance, especially hard.  In the midst of it all, I have clarity, I am entitled to my feelings, process & no set of expectations are going to interrupt them.  Understand me or don't, be disappointed, i won't change, I don't need to.  You do.

Sunday, 13 July 2014

Delirious life

Contradictions have plagued my mind recently. 

 As we prepare to close one chapter, I have become nostalgic for something indescribable.  The memories of a child who's life flashed, who's life ripped the curtain of life clean off its rings. As we prepare to call a new place home, I am struggling to leave the all the memories, good , bad & ugly behind.  

You have reclaimed your place on our mantle & you will find a new space in our new home.  I had no idea that the treasues of you would feel so connected to this physical space.  

I am sobered to the reality that the worst & most profoundly painful times were spent here but intoxicated by the memories none the less.  Your brother was born here, the one who would never have been without you.  The one who's life I am constantly filled with guilty gratitude for.   

A storm & rainbow together under one roof.  Corners filled with the bitter sweet smells & sounds of a delirious life. The one I never wanted, the one I never want to change, the one I can't live without.

Missing you vividly my son. Missing you profoundly in every square inch.

Sunday, 13 April 2014

Another birthday

Tomorrow is my birthday.  This year, I felt some return of anticipation, could think of a few things that I wanted, felt like I had earned back some of my "regular" ways.  But tonight, I am reminded that there is  no return to "normal" just distraction that grows a bit more with every month & year that passes by.

I said today to Mike, gone are the days of happy birthdays, its been at least 4 years since I've had one of those.  Then it occurred to me, this will make 4 birthdays since James died.

Many things have happened, many great things, some not so great.  We are trying to move, our house is up for sale & while we have been showing our homes, I've had to relocate our James memorial.  I am pained every time I think of it.  I know I'm not hiding him, but he's hidden to entice other people to like our home.  Some twisted reality that one is.  One that hurts me, but for the betterment of our family, we need to get the hell out of this town.  Closer to our family, where the boys can grow up.  Solid reasons, terrible sacrifice (moving James), living a tortured secret life that no one knows.

I have agreed to join the bereavement groups I used to attend after losing James again , this time as a facilitator.  I am nervous but excited.  This is the place where I used to go not to feel alone, I think the alone feeling has returned & I need to feel like people get me, from the deepest, darkest place inside, to the in between moments of distraction.

As I think about where my grief is at today, I think it is like a good friend, who I don't always see but when I need her is always there.  It comes in many ways now, but mostly I feel comforted when I can think of my lost son.  Sometime, its an arch enemy, blind siding me when I least expect it, crippling me with pain, like a sudden blow that knocks your wind out & leaves you gasping for air.  My grief is mine, I have hopes for it, even some goals but mostly it is my only link back to a child that grew in my body, heart, that I held in my hands & then had to say goodbye to.

My birthday is tomorrow, it will be gone and forgotten as quickly as it came, like my son.