Saturday, 25 May 2013

3 newborns & a sick kid

Have you heard of or perhaps even seen the movie 4 weddings & a funeral?  Well, life seems a bit relateable to that today.

3 babies have been born in last little while, 2 rainbows and 1 long and anxiously awaited.  My heart has begun to genuinely soar for those birthing healthy live babies again, something that seemed forever lost in the days & months following James' death.  Today I can say, I feel joy for them, hope for them, love again.

In the midst of all the joy, we learned a little boy whom we have known for some time, he has gone to the same childcare centres with our eldest and his mother & younger brother have been part of the baby programs we've participated, is sick.  We've learned he has been very sick for about 6 weeks & just had surgery to hopefully put him on the path to recovery.  He fighting & his parents & the rest of us are praying.

3 newborns with hopes, dreams, potential & love.  1 sick kid with hopes, dreams, potential, fear, prayer & love.  

Praying for Gabriel tonight.

Saturday, 18 May 2013


Hard to believe that this was my 3rd mother's day without James.  He would only be 2 but b/c our loss was so early, mother's day came before he would have been due & after he was already gone.

This year, much like last, was more gentle then the one before.

This year, our first with rainbow Ewan included a beautiful gift.  He is a great hugger, very affectionate by nature.  I have often looked at him or felt him snuggle in & felt close to James, like he possesses a portal by which James is just a little bit closer.   On mother's day he reached out with both hands wrapped his sweet arms around me, buried his head in my chest and squeezed me so tight.  As he let go, I thought, I wish I had stopped & savoured that hug.  Then he did it again only this time I could almost feel 4 hands, little fingers wrapped around my arms squeezing so incredibly tight that it didn't seem like one baby should be strong enough to do it.  The depth of that hug was incredible and it lasted long & strong.  As I breathed in & enjoyed every second of it, I felt as if my missing son had reached through space & time and hugged me with his younger brother.  For a second I got lost in a dream scape where I felt him in my arms & then joy, such joy.   Then reality stepped in & Ewan continued to hug & the tears flooded in.  Tears of joy, tears of absence & tears of anticipation for the next time I can hold my son James in my arms again.

My mother's day was made & broken in a single hug, but I wouldn't trade it or change it.  What a gift, to feel like I am holding him in my arms.  I will dwell in that moment for some time.  Best feeling I've had in the almost 2.5 years since he's been gone, outside of holding Ewan alive & healthy after his birth ofcourse :) .

Love to you my sweet baby James.  miss you xo  Mommy

Wednesday, 15 May 2013

On Ranking Losses - Still Standing Magazine

On Ranking Losses - Still Standing Magazine

I believe we have all felt judged, had our grief ranked & maybe even ranked ourselves at times as we have come to hear other stories of loss, I know I have.  This sentence however, from the above article, literally took my breath away as I read it; "What levels the playing field is the fact that, this side of eternity, not one of us will ever see the faces of our precious little ones again."

Missing you my sweet boy.  xoxo Mommy