Thursday, 21 June 2012

Rainbow Ewan

Happy to announce the safe arrival of our rainbow, Ewan James, on June 8, 2012 weighing 8lbs, 11oz. 

We are completely filled with gratitude for our miracle.  Gratitude filled with bittersweet moments & the fear it will all somehow be snatched away again.  Funny how at stage of this journey nothing is the same, the happy moments so much happier b/c we know how fleeting those moments can be & the uncertain moments so scary b/c we know there are no guarantees.

Wondering how James would have looked, how much hair, what colour hair & eyes, about the sound of his cry, how he would have smelled etc. 

Choosing to believe some of James' essence is within Ewan & hoping that he grows up knowing the significance of his middle name.

I look in his face & truly see a miracle.  Our miracle - thank you James.

Sending love your way sweet boy & gratitude for you & all the lessons you have taught us that allows us to cherish your brothers. 

Mommy xoxoxo

Wednesday, 6 June 2012

What is it about a particular place that can make your senses rush with memories and feelings like you are right back on that day?

We have been waiting for our littlest boy to come into the world & I am now past due enough that I have to go in for testing to make sure he is doing well & things remain healthy.   what this means is that I have to head to hospital for these battery of tests & try as I might that is and always will be an emotionally loaded experience.  Yesterday was no exception. 

My fears were that I would have to go the clinic, pass by "the" room but I hoped that wouldn't be necessary.  At first it seemed I might be able to avoid that hallway, the one with "the" room and familiar faces, but in the end I found myself walking that dreaded hallway, seeing a custodian coming out of "the" room emptying the garbage, understanding someone else had started this terrible journey.  I took a breath & tried to compose myself & focus as I made my way toward the clinic office.  As I stood there trying to sort through a blunder with appointments, I was fighting to keep composure, with emotions running high, senses rushing with flashbacks, especially as I saw that one particular nurse, so kind, so gentle with her back towards me.

They eventually sorted things out and as part of their routine questions getting ready to move me to start the procedure asked if I'd been in the clinic before.  I answered yes in a fog but on the loss side, the woman without skipping a beat asked me the year, I however, was so overwhelmed that I stuttered trying to find the answer.  Needless to say, when we began the procedure my blood pressure was high as it seemed reminders were everywhere.  The nurse assumed that it was from being bumped around trying to figure out where to go for the appointment - I corrected her explaining how emotional being there was for me, how directly behind me is "the" room.  She glossed over it and told me to watch TV and relax, we'd take my blood pressure again. 

In the end, our baby passed the test & things appear to be healthy.  My blood pressure remained high & I got out of there as fast as I could knowing I'll be back on Friday if our little boy isn't born before then.  I left the hospital feeling like I was back in the those early dark days, head pounding, in a fog, unable to process basic things, disinterest in everything, just wanting to crawl into bed & disappear beneath the covers.  What a powerful thing, a place, a person, a room can be.

Today, I need to refocus - relax, return to hope for a healthy birth & hope this doesn't act as a set back, locking down my body preventing this baby from coming in his own time. 

Friday, 1 June 2012

Right in front of me

My homeopathic induction took place later in the afternoon on Wednesday.  It was unlike anything I expected - this was my first experience with homeopathy & was a great experience.  Some of the conversation surprised me & some of the questions linger with me still.

She asked me to talk about James, our experience, his birth, what his life & death has brought into our lives, what I thought the purpose of all this was.  It has been so long since I've spoken out loud about him, our time together, and our story of loss.  It felt good, it felt awful.  Images of him raced forward in my mind, like flashbacks & I could almost feel the weight of his body in my hands again.  I realized that one of my greatest fears was that I would forget - we were not fortunate enough to have pictures, or foot/hand prints provided for us - but now I realize that is simply not possible.  Do I still wish for the tangible items, absolutely, do I think I'll forget, not any more, not a chance.

Not surprisingly she felt that my experience with James could be blocking labour b/c of my anxiety and all the emotions connected to that experience.  The induction would be focused on addressing anxiety and she gave me 2 remedies to manage it.

She also asked me to sit with the idea that our unborn could feel that I was afraid he would die.  How that must feel for him?  Talk about conflict of emotion - first a rush of guilt, I never want my children to be affected negatively by my fears, then a rush of anxiety, but I know better then anyone that his death is not just fear, it's a real possibilityy, it is other people's realities. 

We agreed that I need to focus on a vision of what I want-her word, hope - my word, the birth to be like.  She encouraged me to be present with this little boy, that he is what is what is in front of me & I need to connect to him. 

The irony is that for a while, I have felt that I have been spending so much time trying to connect with our unborn, caring for our eldest and everything in between, that I have lost time connecting with James.  I think of him everyday, multiple times a day but just haven't had the time to stop & connect.  Here's the irony, it would seem from an outsider perspective that I have spent more time connecting to him & our experience & not enough to our soon to be youngest.  Now I'm left wondering which is it?   

Last night, with thoughts, hopes & fears streaming through my mind, my locket slipped into the palm of my hand.  I felt immediately that James was there letting me know he is in my heart & reassuring me that despite all the doubt & fear that he is present & will hold my hand.

So the homeopathic induction didn't work but it was a positive experience, loaded with emotion and reminding me my James is present & strong.

In the mean time we keep waiting for our rainbow with hope.

Missing you my angel boy xoxox  Mommy