Monday, 25 July 2011

Wishing on a rainbow

So the saying goes you wish on star, only these days I find myself wishing on a rainbow.  I've not only begun to feel like I can bare the thought of it, I've found myself desperately wanting it.  Only, not this time & wow - what a rush of emotions.  I guess I have been so focused on the rainbow that I didn't stop to consider how I'd feel if it didn't happen the way I hoped, as quickly as I hoped or if it might not happen at all.  I know I've started asking for more miracles & I wonder if I am asking for too many.  Asking James to send us a rainbow - not to replace him - but to shower it with the kind of love & gratitude that you have when one of your other children dies but also to feel that joy of holding your live & healthy child.  I want Jev to have a sibling - he would be the best big brother & I just thinking of the fun & mayhem they could have warms my heart at future possibilities & breaks it for things that should have been. 

I guess that's why I have been feeling angry lately - too many conflicting emotions, disappointment at another missed opportunity, being reminded that I'm rarely in control - especially where my body is concerned & that I'll probably be in this spot again.  I totally get the reference now about the rainbow coming after the storm & wonder if the storm ever really dies down or just get tucked between the colours of the rainbow.

Tuesday, 19 July 2011

Panic & miracles

Wow - it feels like an eternity since I posted last.  Seems that since our "due date" things have felt more "normal" more "in control"...until late last week that is.

Now I realize this strays a bit from my usual choice of topics, but in the end it all ties back together.  Mid to late last week, we were faced with our deepest fear.  Jeven became very ill, scary ill, omg I am afraid we're going to lose him too ill.  We spent our time between doctors & eventually at Sick Kids for 2 days - saw 8 doctors in 3 days & rode the emotional roller coaster that is reserved for parents who have already had a child die - only this time we thought we were going to have to watch it happen right in front of our eyes. 

He's fine & going to be fine, but the momentum of doctors, concerned looks, residents interest in his condition, calling in of specialist on favours, swabs, exams, tests - we prepared for the worst.  I thought of James often - asked for his help to keep his brother safe here with us, prayed for a miracle.  In the end he will slowly recover & we are home together this week & next week too, we got our miracle. 

Now all that's left is my anxiety - the feelings of panic, the overwhelming fear that Jev could die too.  I think my deepest fear is wreaking havoc with my rational self - I'm trying to pull back & know it will take some time but wow - the fear, wow the panic, wow -I'm out of control all over again - but grateful, so incredibly grateful for having Jev with us, healthy.

James - thank you my angel for watching over your brother & mommy & papa too.  Missing you everyday & hoping your angel wings are tightly wrapped around Jev keeping him safe.  If you can help Mommy find strength to not smother Jev, I'd be grateful - I only want him to feel free, confident, have fun & not feel my worries, my trepidation, my hesitation.  If I can give Jev those gifts, I feel I will have also paid a tribute to you angel, all the great gifts I would have loved to give to you too.

xoxoxoxo with gratitude for our miracle & tremendous love my angel - Mommy

Tuesday, 5 July 2011

wrapped in his wings

I have read many posts about angels coming to visit in many forms & told that at some point I may be blessed with the same gift.

We celebrated Canada day over the past weekend & it was wonderful - beautiful weather & lots of genuine family time.  Each day, although we didn't do anything overly special there was a reminder and maybe even a visit by James.

On the Friday we visited a cherished friend & ended up a the park with Jeven.  While playing a strange little boy, older then Jeven approached us & wanted to play with Jev & the ball we had brought along.  Jev who is usually a very tentative child with other children at first, seemed to play more quickly with this child.  At some point, I asked - what's your name - to avoid having to encourage Jev to throw the ball to the "boy" - he replied James.  I lost my breath, froze for a moment & marveled at the coincidence - my thoughts went to how Jev & James would have been brothers & played in the park - just this way.  Then I wondered, could my James have come to visit & play with his brother through this other child.  Could he have chosen this child b/c he knew that his name would let me know he was there?  Too strange & not sure I totally believe it but I want to.

Saturday we spent again with one of my oldest friends & Melissa.  Our kids played at the park, we embraced another beautiful day & I got to hold Melissa, feed her, rock her gently to soothe her, watch Mike fall in love with her & cradle her - much the way I would imagine he would with any child of ours.  It was a good day - filled with the essence of James.  Then as we prepared to leave, my dear friend gave me a gift, a Treasure Bean made with love by another angel mom who pays tribute to lost angels.   My friend was ever so gentle when giving it to me & graciously insisted I open it when I was ready.  When I did, I felt love & joy for it is so much more beautiful then I expected.  Mike & I shared a moment of gratitude & love for James & that tribute now has a place on our mantle with James' candle.

Sunday was also beautiful and on our way out to the park Jev held James' locket in hand - something he hadn't done for many days.  His hold is always so gentle - just in the palm of his little hand.  I told him "That's James" & he closed his hand around it for a few moments & then released it.  My heart was full, is still full remembering it.

There were some confusing moments thinking of what could have been, but overall, my boys kept my spirits high - surrounding me with their love & presence.   The most I have felt joy & peace since James grew his wings & I think it might be b/c for the first time I felt like I was wrapped in them.