Friday, 18 January 2013

2 years ago

Re post from on year ago.  I couldn't say it any differently, except that we are now 2 years from that fateful time.  The time that changed us, rocked our family, called into question everything we thought we knew about life & left us with a huge whole in our hearts & in our family.

One year ago today was the beginning of the end

James - I can still remember feeling you move inside me.  These are the times I cherish.  I cherish you.

Missing you & ready to remember & celebrate you, Mommy.

Saturday, 12 January 2013

I have been doing really well.  I guess the slew of things going on have kept my mind busy, distracted you might say.  But it has always been there.

There is a little girl, Aurora, she has the same birthday as James & she was born in the same hospital.  Her mom I have come to know each other through another friend. Seeing her has always been somewhat bitter sweet but time has found a way for me to endure & even enjoy seeing her on most occasions   I have never shared our story with her or the connection that our babies share, we just aren't close enough for me to open my heart up to that.

A week or more ago, she mentioned her daughter's birthday party - she was inviting Jeven to attend.  At first my heart screamed NO!  I had to take a breath & collect myself, my emotions, my logic.  My mind wondered what kind of party we would be holding if things were different.  Our birthday celebration this year, while beautiful & meaningful, is missing the sounds of a 2 year old laughing, playing, fighting with his friends & brothers, the sweet smell of cake, fruit, juice and gifts.

I managed to put all this into perspective & decided that the party wasn't on James' birthday & that Jev would have a blast so why not? and moved on.

This early morning as I was stealing a few quiet minutes to look online, I saw this same mom posted a link to a photo book she has completed for her daughter.  As I looked through it, read her captions, it hit me.  The book is beautiful, all the pictures, the wonderful memories, the years to come with milestones.  These are painfully missing and I am strangled by them.

I should be busy making final preparations for his birthday party, instead I am trying to hold myself together to get through one more day, find a distraction from the pain, the hole in my heart.

James, in my mind I imagine your face, smile, laugh, personality, sense of humour, naughtiness.  I imagine the parties and adventures we would share all together.  I hope you can see them in my mind & feel the joy I have even being able to imagine them.  I hope you can feel my hugs & kisses through my tears for these are the things I yearn for most. I hope you feel through my pain, the depth of my love & how it grows despite the space in time.

Missing you always angel, Mommy xoxo

Wednesday, 2 January 2013

Almost 2!

It's almost that time of year again.  Your second birthday is just around the corner & I have been trying to wrap my mind around the reality that you were here & gone 2 years ago.  The holidays are over, seasonal colds/flus are ravaging our home & I am keeping busy trying to take care of your brothers all the while just slightly choked b/c I am missing you.

Your papa & I are celebrating our 5 year wedding anniversary on the 19th & heading to Niagara falls for a few days.  We've decided to bring you with us.  Niagara Falls is such a special place for our family that we want a piece of you there with us as we celebrate your birthday on the 20th & forever more.  We will be pouring some of your ashes over the falls so you will always be with us when we visit. We'll also be sending you balloons with our special messages again this year.  We'll sing you happy birthday and share some cake too, your birthday is a special time for us & we hope the angels make it special for you in heaven too.

I'll be making donations again this year in your memory, some the same as last year, others not.  I'll also be compiling a play list of music that reminds me of your little face & huge impact on my world.  I'll hopefully figure out how to post it here.

Unrelated: An angel mommy has been reunited with her angel baby.  While i was sad to hear she had passed on, leaving her husband and young daughter, I remembered that she was reunited with her baby girl.  This is my dream, to see you James upon my passing but I know I have much to still do here.  Rachel, I hope your journey to Gabi was swift and that you are at peace with her in your arms once again.