The counselling community has shifted their way of understanding trauma. Research has supported the idea that trauma can create what is known as a body memory. This is where some of the most painful and vivid memories of trauma reside, in the body.
Ever notice how when a significant anniversary of an event arrives, somehow you are tuned into it, whether you remembered it overtly or not? The last few weeks have been extreme with business, but in hindsight I see how today contributed to everything I have done and felt in the last week, oblivious to me at the time. The body memory prevailed when life was busy with distraction. The pain has softened enough on most days to function "normally" but the body memory of the trauma of his death.
I didn't sleep last night and as I lay there awake, I found my mind circling thoughts of James, his loss, our grief. These thoughts were far from conscious and I was surprised when I realized where my thoughts had taken me without a clue of how I'd arrived there. Then I remembered, like I could ever forget, today is the day, today is 6. Today is 6 years of lost memories, no infant milestones, no smiles, first teeth, first words, no kindergarten, no grade 1 and there will be a lifetime more of missed memories.
6 has been hard, harder then I expected. I am exhausted from lack of sleep and the flatness of life without my son weighs heavily on my heart and mind.
There is beauty in the dark. I remember your little face, I am grateful for your time with me, the lessons I've learned, the challenges that I've succeeded and the anticipation of our being reunited when I leave this physical plain. The body memory of you remains too.