Funny how this journey changes the flavours of life. Before, when I heard of those fighting illness, I spewed hope, hope that they person would be well & most of the time I believed it would be true. Today, the sick child I spoke of a few posts ago was confirmed to be fighting a life & death battle with cancer. My immediate gut reaction, hope. Hope that he would not lose his battle, not be one of the 10% whose cancer doesn't go into remission, that don't recover.
The family has asked for positive thoughts, prayers. Those I have in abundance, but I am almost positive that my prayers & hopes and wishes are a different flavour then others. While others will pray for health, I will pray for death to stay away. I know they sound close, maybe even close enough to those how haven't walked this path to not notice the difference, but I notice. I remember being one "them", only in this situation I feel like I have an advantage, I am painfully aware that this fight isn't even and that he can lose. My prayer for him is to kick the cancer's ass & death's ass in the process, my prayer for his family is that they never have to walk this path. My pledge is that should they find themselves walking it, I will walk with them.
In the mean time, loving & relishing my living children with gratitude to have them.
Prayers for Gabriel tonight.
Monday, 10 June 2013
Closure. A concept that I think I subscribed to in my pre-loss days, although I'm not sure how vehemently. Closure, a concept that has been prescribed to me by many since James died & I have come to completely rebuff. I knew loss before James died, but the concept of closure still seemed worthy enough to accept. But after, well there can never be a time when I can walk away from the empty chair at my table, missing loot bag at our parties, missing T-ball & school pictures on the mantle, missing laughter in our play.
As I have begun volunteering for our local Pregnancy and Infant loss network providing parent support to those new to this journey, the concept of closure re-emerges. Hearing the the rambling cries of anger and despair in these loss mamas, tears the heart. I am still shocked to be almost 2.5 year into this journey, feels like forever, but when I write the number it doesn't seem so long at all. And closure, well, when I travel from this earth to my beautiful son waiting for me at the golden gates & see his face again & feel the weight of his body in my arms, I will have closure.
See an incredible piece of writing and a clip by a genius woman talking about the concept of closure below. She experienced the still birth of her daughter I found this inspirational, relateable and insightful. Completely worth the time it takes to read & watch!
Pardon My Grief - Still Standing Magazine
Missed you at Ewan's birthday party this weekend sweet boy. Love you, xoxo Mommy