Wednesday, 29 June 2011


Something amazing happened.  On one of my worst days, the dreaded day, I learned something.  There are people out there whose hearts are filled with love, compassion & greatness.  I learned that there is a community of people remembering & supporting James, that I have been blessed with having made connections over the last 6 months to some of the kindest, giving & altruistic people I have ever known.  Those who give honestly, speak gently, love unconditionally & without need for gratitude. 

I have also learned that there are some very special people already in my life with no frame of reference who somehow just "get it".  The most tuned in, sensitive & perfect people who will willingly walk into the path of this destructive force because you are standing in it & they won't let you stand there alone.

I have felt in my life that I've lived a life unrelatable to most & never bothered to try so when James' died, I was devastated but sure that this was another check in the unrelateble category.  I was so wrong, I feel more love, acceptance, support and genuine human goodness in my life then I ever knew or believed existed before. 

My sincere gratitude to everyone who has taken the time to read my posts, leave comments, email, call, visit, message, light candles and more that I'm sure I don't even know about yet.  You have renewed my faith in humanity & I feel very blessed and grateful for each one of you.  Knowing James is remembered is a kindness that resonates so deeply I can't begin to find the words to thank you.  I hope to be able to offer this incredible support other angel moms & dads so that they can feel the incredible support that those of you out there have showered upon me.

With deepest & most sincere gratitude, I thank you.
James you are loved & beloved my angel. xoxoxoxo

Monday, 27 June 2011

Empty arms pt 2

The day is almost gone now & I've come full circle - like I've cycled in a day through the throws of the grief cycle.  Now I'm angry, exhausted & simply want my baby.  Tonight when I go to bed this terrible thing will be done, but never over.

I am completely grateful that no one else I know who's been pregnant has had to live this nightmare but am angry for having to be the one it happened to - why me? not fair! Sorry this one is just raw - not censored & definitely not directed at anyone. 

My child should be with me tonight & I guess he is but not the way we planned & I am not satisfied with that reality.  Tough - I have to live without him & I have no choice.  I am angry for that. 

Wish this day could have ended on a different note but the charge of going on with life after his is so blatantly missing fills my frustrated heart.  Love is timeless, endless & it endures so with that I know no matter when we are reunited it will be like that night we held you in our arms - even though you were already gone.  I long for one more moment, to see your face once more, to feel your fingers clasp mine, to watch you live.

I feel the day slipping away & it's like you are slipping away with it - all over again.  Desperate to hang on, but knowing I can't & completely sick of feeling helpless.

My love for you is beyond the written word, my need for you is beyond the loudest cry or farthest reach, the hole in my heart will never be healed & my memory of you will never fade.  My arms ache without you in them & I miss your life in my life.

Empty arms

Head pounding from the grief, eyes blurred from all the tears, body heavy from the exhaustion of feeling & arms empty. 

Beautiful day outside, sunshine, warm & the slightest breeze.  Walked for a bit & felt wrapped in the quiet perfection of the summer weather - I hope that was you James. 

Unmotivated to move, but not wanting to waste this perfect day that my angel has sent me.  Thinking of finding forget me not seeds to plant not sure I have the stamina to from place to place. 

Blessed with support from incredible people who remember & honour your life & support my life without you.

Missing hearing your coos, looking at your face, smelling your hair.  Missing you snuggling in, hearing your cries, feeding you, missing introducing you to your big brother, watching you with your Papa. 

Holding you deep in my heart & grateful for your perfection, no matter how brief.  Hoping you are safe above watching over your brother the way only an angel can.  Missing you with every fibre of my humanity & looking forward to the day we can be together again.  

Sunday, 26 June 2011


Tomorrow is "the" day.  I have found things flooding my senses these last few days - seeing pregnancies everywhere, feeling like everything around is focused on newborn babies or pregnancies.  I had been feeling this way just over a month ago & was ever so grateful when it seemed to pass, but in the last few days it's back.

I've been feeling rather numb in the last few days, neither dread, nor fear, nor sadness.  I have no idea what I'll do, I've taken the day off, but it seems inevitable now - the day will be here & gone before I know it.  I feel like tomorrow I cross some twisted finish line. 

Jeven has been noticing my cremation locket these last few days and holding it in his hand, I keep telling him that it's James and he said his name for the first time.  Not sure I believe in coincidences, but the timing of him tuning into James seems appropriate.  Who knows what's out there, up there, beyond - just seems that my boys timing blow me away every time.

I think I'll light James' candle tomorrow, I'm still toying with seeing baby Melissa &/or going to for a walk somewhere beautiful or for lunch with a very good friend.  I am going to be extra gentle with myself tomorrow & hope James will hold my hand as I walk through the day wishing & wondering for what could have been - to have been holding him in my arms instead of only in my heart.

Wednesday, 22 June 2011

almost here...

I had hoped the saying "almost here" would have been in reference to James' arrival, not the anticipation of his arrival date without him.  I have invested some energy in putting off thinking about it, I have needed to harness my energy as all 3 of us have been sick & I have needed it just to get through each day. 

Now it's almost here, literally around the corner & hope that I have enough time to make a plan.  I had originally planned to stay close to home, be somber, grieve privately.  Then I realized that my husband had forgotten about the day & made plans to go golfing.  When I reminded him, he offered to change his plans if I wanted him to - being sick & in my determination to not "go there" I didn't say - yes i want you to cancel & he didn't instead he booked his tee time.  I was furious - I thought, here I was ready to try again & he's going golfing rather then staying back & grieving the absence of our son on his due date.  I never believed that he would forget James but I certainly arrived at the place where I felt he no longer cared.

Then I got to thinking - was there a way to look at it differently?  Without judging his way of coping? 
It dawned on me that maybe there is no honour in staying home & crying privately - maybe the idea of being out, doing something enjoyable with people I love is a better way to remember & honour the life of my son.  The truth? I am sad that I won't be able to spend the day with my husband, disappointed more so which does leave me wondering.  Will I be able to enjoy any part of that day?  I don't know - but I'm starting to think it might be worth trying.

So, in my new frame of mind - I wonder if I should visit baby Melissa - hold her, feed her, love her in honour of James - or maybe this is a disaster waiting to happen.  Maybe I should go for breakfast or lunch with a friend, go for a walk somewhere beautiful if weather permits with a friend. 

I'm really for the first time looking for feedback from others about what your experiences say in context of my thoughts.  I know I'm the only one who can truly decide but value the experience & wisdom of the great community out there.

Sunday, 19 June 2011

Fathers day


We missed you today angel, you were in our thoughts & missing from our celebration.  I know Papa silently longed to feel your strong kicks or to have met your beautiful face already - we would have been so close now - anything is possible. 

We are all sick, Papa & I are trying our best to take care of Jev & realize if he felt this badly earlier in the week, it explains a lot - poor little guy.  I couldn't help but think of what it would be like to be this sick with you still in my belly.  I love those moments when I'm lost in my fantasies about having you with me. 

I haven't gone back to see Melissa again, I want to but using my sickness as an excuse not to go.  I'm still excited to have her here - just missing you I think.

I hope you and all the other angels did something special for all the Papas missing their angels today.  I know your Papa would love to have a visit from you soon.

I love & miss you angel.  xoxoxo Mommy

Wednesday, 15 June 2011


Since my initial elation over the birth of a very special girl, I've thought of all the very precious moments we will miss. 

The moment of knowing you did the most incredible thing & gave birth to a living child
The moment you hear that perfect life cry for the first time & can exhale
The moment you have him in your arms for the first time
The moment he looks at you with a tired glare
The moment you watch your husband stare in awe as they meet for the first time
The moment you know you've just grown your family
The moment you can look at him all wrapped up in his bassinet & he's peaceful - a miracle
The moment you hear all his tests are back & he's healthy
The moment you know you have this innocent life, this miracle in your life to take home & rejoice in.

So many moments we'll miss - so many wonderful moments that today keep me feeling like maybe it's worth doing it again. 

Previously the "what ifs" kept me from feeling ready, but in the last few days, it would seem I can't even feel the "what if".  Hopefully this means I'm moving in the right direction, not on a impulsive collision course with heartache.

Thinking of you James every second & imagining your beautiful face in all the moments listed above.  It would have been my great honour to have shared them with you.  Love you angel xoxo Mommy

Tuesday, 14 June 2011

She's here!

My very good friend who was pregnant at the same time as me, who was due only 5 days before James had her little girl arrive today.  The news has hit me in a surprising way.  I am happy - I am all but jumping out of my chair to run to the hospital to see her.  I feel like this little girl is the living tribute to James - she'll forever be a symbol of what he would be doing and I feel energized by it.  I feel like having a special relationship with Melissa Jacqueline will bring me closer to James - that maybe sometimes I'll see some of his essence in her smile, in her breath, in her face...crazy I know, but I'm feeling it passionately...

My attitude toward my other friend from group has also changed - now I feel hope for her - now I feel almost a competitive spirit & rush to try again.  I'm confused - how can I feel competitive about such a thing?  My husband put it nicely - that I want to be where they are.  Maybe there's truth in that - right now I can't delve into the logic of it, I feel it so passionately, I can barely breath. 

Slow down crazy girl - one day angry, resentful for others blessings, the next shocking with terrible words, the next avoiding all things pregnant & the next an insatiable urge to have another baby.

Riding this crazy wave & going to wait until tomorrow to decide if I'm going to see this little miracle - too late tonight & feeling too impulsive.

Welcome to the world Melissa Jacqueline - James I hope you will watch over her & us tonight & continue to fill hearts with joy.  Feeling you close tonight angel xoxoxo Mommy

Friday, 10 June 2011

shock factor

I had midwife care in my pregnancy with James & therefore, no contact with my family doctor who is also an OB & delivered Jeven.  I went to see him today about an issue I've been having since delivering James & we spoke about things for the first time.

I sat in the waiting room fretting about how I was going to explain what happened, going over every possible way to describe it, anxious at choosing words to really capture what happened.  Then I transferred into the room & waited, now my anxiety was really escalated b/c it was going to happen soon - I was close to tears & had to do some cleansing breaths to control myself from completely breaking down before he got there.

Then he arrived & started by noticing that I hadn't been there since Oct - when we had originally discovered we were pregnant with James - he said it would seem that I must have had a miscarriage - this is where things started to unravel.

Me:  I had more then a miscarriage,
Doc: What do you mean?
Me: I guess it might be a miscarriage to some, but was way more then that to me,
Doc: How, what are you talking about?
Me: I delivered a dead baby, that's what,
Doc: Stunned silence

I was instantly filled with guilt for the shock factor in what I had just said - but still choked & couldn't bring myself to apologize.  The truth is, for all my rehearsing of what I was going to say - I never would have expected that to come out of my mouth.  The raw unbridled reality of what had happened just spilled out of my mouth before I had a chance to even think about it.

Wow - I still feel badly - I do have to say though, my doctor was very sympathetic, not that I left him much choice.  Our visit ended with him rubbing my knee and saying how sorry he was & to hang in there.  I think he'll probably think about that shock tonight as he drifts off to sleep.  Sorry Dr. K.

Thursday, 9 June 2011

baby steps...

The term - "take baby steps" has been used often by others to support me recently as a a way to describe how I should be kind to myself as I struggle to move forward.  The thing that strikes me is that it's such a common turn phrase that no one thinks about what they are saying.  I know I'm extra sensitive but "baby steps" - I definitely hate that saying now.  I can't begrudge anyone - it took me a bit to clue into why whenever someone said that to me, it didn't make me feel any better.   Definitely something I'll think about before saying again to others.

Wednesday, 8 June 2011

what is wrong with me?

What is wrong with me?  Why is it that good news - news for someone who deserves it - who's experienced this journey & who will take every second and cherish it - is upsetting? Why is it that I can lose a whole night's sleep & feel close to tears since hearing her news.  Why am I feeling angry, resentful, cheated? 

The old me - would have rejoiced, the new me - I thought, would have been filled with hope for those who have lost & are now blessed to be pregnant again.  Instead I'm bothered, angry- feel even a bit betrayed for having been pouring out my aching soul & all the while she is blessed - again.  Now I feel guilt for what I just said, for the fact that it is true - where has the good person in me gone? 

I have been torn about attending a butterfly release event - cringing at what I expect to be an outpouring of grief all over again.  I've been on the fence but leaning towards going - until now.  Now I feel that I don't want to see others pregnant, with new born babies.  I don't want to be a puddle to have to pull it back together to go our Niece's first communion afterwards.  Now I don't know if I'm going to have the courage to go.  Now I think my drive to remember James & honour his memory may not be enough.  What kind of mother does that make me?

Filled with doubt about who I have become this morning & questioning my relationship with the world.

Saturday, 4 June 2011


Funny the things that remind you that you are "just pretending"...

Taking long deep breaths - reminds me that I'm actually breathless most of the time - still trying to catch my breath...and that long deep breath feels like the first breath I've drawn in a long time;
Night time - I can never wait for it to be a certain time to day so I can have to quiet but it never fails, when it comes so does the torment.  Most often I push aside, every now & then when I have time or privacy to engage it, it frightens me b/c of how deep & raging & lonely it is.

Today I am not sure - I really struggled with my earth angel & the demands of an out of the ordinary kind of day.  Today I am not sure if it was my earth angel that was challenging or if it was me.  Today I am worried that I spilled my lack of coping onto him & am doubting myself as a mother.  Today I realize how the time is racing toward that "day" & am feeling completely powerless & looking for a miracle that make it stop.  Today I think I may have failed & I hope that tomorrow I can redeem myself.

Tonight I am alone with my thoughts & feeling  numb but having a hard time catching my breath & reminded. 

Hoping I can have the strength to make you proud & find some strength to be the mommy I could have been to you & be the one that your brother deserves.  xoxoxox Mommy

Challenges & quotes

Every new day brings a new challenge in this journey.  Today brought the, Are you expecting a baby? challenge...I answered the question non chalently as the person could truly have no idea, & I'm sure he didn't notice the storm that was raging in my mind & heart.  I find it amazing that we can hide so well that others have no clue.  In that moment, I raged at his stupidity at asking, I raged at having to answer no, I poured sadness as I wished to have the privilege to still have James with me so I could answer yes, I ached from the pain of being without him, I missed his life in my life, I grieved for his life not being my life.

Then the - "Is this your only child" challenge came & although this is not a new challenge, I always struggle with how to deal with it.  Today we chose to say yes, today it was easier to say yes but my heart rips a little & the guilt engulfs my breath taking it away when we do.  Horrible, horrible choices to ever have to make.  Horrible, horrible choices to have to make every day.

I found some posts in various places that spoke to me over the last few days that I wanted to share:

Wish List

  • I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never saw my baby doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.
  • I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you don't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my baby. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.
  • I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my baby. The truth is I love my baby and need to talk about him.
  • I wish you wouldn't pretend my baby never existed. The truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside me.
  • I wish you wouldn't judge me because I'm not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.
  • I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act.
  • I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months or years for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.
  • I wish you wouldn't think that my baby wasn't really a baby and it was blood and tissue or a "fetus". The truth is my baby was a human life. My baby had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and a face. My baby was a real person. My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby died and the day I lost my baby are all important and sad days for me.
  • I wish you understood that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again.
  • I wish you wouldn't tell me I could have another baby. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace this baby. Babies aren't interchangeable.
  • I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous.
  • I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "next time things will be okay". The truth is how do you know? What will you say if it happens to me again?
  • I wish you would remember the father. The truth is he is suffering too.
~Author Unknown~

All of the following quotes come from Silent Grief - Child loss support:
I often found myself feeling angry at the world following the death of my son. How could this happen to me? I felt like I didn't deserve this. And, then I crashed with guilt for feeling this way. Grief is so complicated
Finding the "new normal" following child loss is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. It takes a long time and a lot of hard work!
Never in a million years did I think this would happen to me! Child loss is the most unexpected, out of the norm, kind of loss. It truly is the "unthinkable.