Friday, 10 June 2011

shock factor

I had midwife care in my pregnancy with James & therefore, no contact with my family doctor who is also an OB & delivered Jeven.  I went to see him today about an issue I've been having since delivering James & we spoke about things for the first time.

I sat in the waiting room fretting about how I was going to explain what happened, going over every possible way to describe it, anxious at choosing words to really capture what happened.  Then I transferred into the room & waited, now my anxiety was really escalated b/c it was going to happen soon - I was close to tears & had to do some cleansing breaths to control myself from completely breaking down before he got there.

Then he arrived & started by noticing that I hadn't been there since Oct - when we had originally discovered we were pregnant with James - he said it would seem that I must have had a miscarriage - this is where things started to unravel.

Me:  I had more then a miscarriage,
Doc: What do you mean?
Me: I guess it might be a miscarriage to some, but was way more then that to me,
Doc: How, what are you talking about?
Me: I delivered a dead baby, that's what,
Doc: Stunned silence

I was instantly filled with guilt for the shock factor in what I had just said - but still choked & couldn't bring myself to apologize.  The truth is, for all my rehearsing of what I was going to say - I never would have expected that to come out of my mouth.  The raw unbridled reality of what had happened just spilled out of my mouth before I had a chance to even think about it.

Wow - I still feel badly - I do have to say though, my doctor was very sympathetic, not that I left him much choice.  Our visit ended with him rubbing my knee and saying how sorry he was & to hang in there.  I think he'll probably think about that shock tonight as he drifts off to sleep.  Sorry Dr. K.

1 comment:

  1. You know, as strange as it may sound, I bet it felt good to shock him that way... in the sense that it was such a shock for you that James died, so it felt right to have somebody else feel even a little bit as shocked. And I think that it's perfectly okay. Why should you have to sugarcoat things so that other people don't feel uncomfortable? Nobody sugarcoated it for you. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's just how it struck me.