Wednesday, 8 June 2011

what is wrong with me?

What is wrong with me?  Why is it that good news - news for someone who deserves it - who's experienced this journey & who will take every second and cherish it - is upsetting? Why is it that I can lose a whole night's sleep & feel close to tears since hearing her news.  Why am I feeling angry, resentful, cheated? 

The old me - would have rejoiced, the new me - I thought, would have been filled with hope for those who have lost & are now blessed to be pregnant again.  Instead I'm bothered, angry- feel even a bit betrayed for having been pouring out my aching soul & all the while she is blessed - again.  Now I feel guilt for what I just said, for the fact that it is true - where has the good person in me gone? 

I have been torn about attending a butterfly release event - cringing at what I expect to be an outpouring of grief all over again.  I've been on the fence but leaning towards going - until now.  Now I feel that I don't want to see others pregnant, with new born babies.  I don't want to be a puddle to have to pull it back together to go our Niece's first communion afterwards.  Now I don't know if I'm going to have the courage to go.  Now I think my drive to remember James & honour his memory may not be enough.  What kind of mother does that make me?

Filled with doubt about who I have become this morning & questioning my relationship with the world.


  1. Not an easy journey for sure...You will never forget James and in time you will be able to attend functions and things in honor of babies/children who have died without being filled with such feelings. It takes a lot of time and patience with yourself. ((Hugs))

  2. I remember exactly where you are... all too well. The jealousy, the envy, the overwhelming 'want'... all very natural feelings, although so foreign to most of us. Strength to you, my dear. I hope you made it to the butterfly release.