What is wrong with me? Why is it that good news - news for someone who deserves it - who's experienced this journey & who will take every second and cherish it - is upsetting? Why is it that I can lose a whole night's sleep & feel close to tears since hearing her news. Why am I feeling angry, resentful, cheated?
The old me - would have rejoiced, the new me - I thought, would have been filled with hope for those who have lost & are now blessed to be pregnant again. Instead I'm bothered, angry- feel even a bit betrayed for having been pouring out my aching soul & all the while she is blessed - again. Now I feel guilt for what I just said, for the fact that it is true - where has the good person in me gone?
I have been torn about attending a butterfly release event - cringing at what I expect to be an outpouring of grief all over again. I've been on the fence but leaning towards going - until now. Now I feel that I don't want to see others pregnant, with new born babies. I don't want to be a puddle to have to pull it back together to go our Niece's first communion afterwards. Now I don't know if I'm going to have the courage to go. Now I think my drive to remember James & honour his memory may not be enough. What kind of mother does that make me?
Filled with doubt about who I have become this morning & questioning my relationship with the world.