I had hoped the saying "almost here" would have been in reference to James' arrival, not the anticipation of his arrival date without him. I have invested some energy in putting off thinking about it, I have needed to harness my energy as all 3 of us have been sick & I have needed it just to get through each day.
Now it's almost here, literally around the corner & hope that I have enough time to make a plan. I had originally planned to stay close to home, be somber, grieve privately. Then I realized that my husband had forgotten about the day & made plans to go golfing. When I reminded him, he offered to change his plans if I wanted him to - being sick & in my determination to not "go there" I didn't say - yes i want you to cancel & he didn't instead he booked his tee time. I was furious - I thought, here I was ready to try again & he's going golfing rather then staying back & grieving the absence of our son on his due date. I never believed that he would forget James but I certainly arrived at the place where I felt he no longer cared.
Then I got to thinking - was there a way to look at it differently? Without judging his way of coping?
It dawned on me that maybe there is no honour in staying home & crying privately - maybe the idea of being out, doing something enjoyable with people I love is a better way to remember & honour the life of my son. The truth? I am sad that I won't be able to spend the day with my husband, disappointed more so which does leave me wondering. Will I be able to enjoy any part of that day? I don't know - but I'm starting to think it might be worth trying.
So, in my new frame of mind - I wonder if I should visit baby Melissa - hold her, feed her, love her in honour of James - or maybe this is a disaster waiting to happen. Maybe I should go for breakfast or lunch with a friend, go for a walk somewhere beautiful if weather permits with a friend.
I'm really for the first time looking for feedback from others about what your experiences say in context of my thoughts. I know I'm the only one who can truly decide but value the experience & wisdom of the great community out there.