Wednesday, 22 June 2011

almost here...

I had hoped the saying "almost here" would have been in reference to James' arrival, not the anticipation of his arrival date without him.  I have invested some energy in putting off thinking about it, I have needed to harness my energy as all 3 of us have been sick & I have needed it just to get through each day. 

Now it's almost here, literally around the corner & hope that I have enough time to make a plan.  I had originally planned to stay close to home, be somber, grieve privately.  Then I realized that my husband had forgotten about the day & made plans to go golfing.  When I reminded him, he offered to change his plans if I wanted him to - being sick & in my determination to not "go there" I didn't say - yes i want you to cancel & he didn't instead he booked his tee time.  I was furious - I thought, here I was ready to try again & he's going golfing rather then staying back & grieving the absence of our son on his due date.  I never believed that he would forget James but I certainly arrived at the place where I felt he no longer cared.

Then I got to thinking - was there a way to look at it differently?  Without judging his way of coping? 
It dawned on me that maybe there is no honour in staying home & crying privately - maybe the idea of being out, doing something enjoyable with people I love is a better way to remember & honour the life of my son.  The truth? I am sad that I won't be able to spend the day with my husband, disappointed more so which does leave me wondering.  Will I be able to enjoy any part of that day?  I don't know - but I'm starting to think it might be worth trying.

So, in my new frame of mind - I wonder if I should visit baby Melissa - hold her, feed her, love her in honour of James - or maybe this is a disaster waiting to happen.  Maybe I should go for breakfast or lunch with a friend, go for a walk somewhere beautiful if weather permits with a friend. 

I'm really for the first time looking for feedback from others about what your experiences say in context of my thoughts.  I know I'm the only one who can truly decide but value the experience & wisdom of the great community out there.

1 comment:

  1. All I can say is that you will know what feels right to you when and only when the day arrives. You can plan, agonize, worry for days... the anticipation of such milestones almost always is more unbearable than the day itself... (in my experience). I don't think I know exactly when James' due date is, but have no doubt that you, James and your entire family are never far from my thoughts... let me know if you need anything.