My very good friend who was pregnant at the same time as me, who was due only 5 days before James had her little girl arrive today. The news has hit me in a surprising way. I am happy - I am all but jumping out of my chair to run to the hospital to see her. I feel like this little girl is the living tribute to James - she'll forever be a symbol of what he would be doing and I feel energized by it. I feel like having a special relationship with Melissa Jacqueline will bring me closer to James - that maybe sometimes I'll see some of his essence in her smile, in her breath, in her face...crazy I know, but I'm feeling it passionately...
My attitude toward my other friend from group has also changed - now I feel hope for her - now I feel almost a competitive spirit & rush to try again. I'm confused - how can I feel competitive about such a thing? My husband put it nicely - that I want to be where they are. Maybe there's truth in that - right now I can't delve into the logic of it, I feel it so passionately, I can barely breath.
Slow down crazy girl - one day angry, resentful for others blessings, the next shocking with terrible words, the next avoiding all things pregnant & the next an insatiable urge to have another baby.
Riding this crazy wave & going to wait until tomorrow to decide if I'm going to see this little miracle - too late tonight & feeling too impulsive.
Welcome to the world Melissa Jacqueline - James I hope you will watch over her & us tonight & continue to fill hearts with joy. Feeling you close tonight angel xoxoxo Mommy