Tuesday, 14 June 2011

She's here!

My very good friend who was pregnant at the same time as me, who was due only 5 days before James had her little girl arrive today.  The news has hit me in a surprising way.  I am happy - I am all but jumping out of my chair to run to the hospital to see her.  I feel like this little girl is the living tribute to James - she'll forever be a symbol of what he would be doing and I feel energized by it.  I feel like having a special relationship with Melissa Jacqueline will bring me closer to James - that maybe sometimes I'll see some of his essence in her smile, in her breath, in her face...crazy I know, but I'm feeling it passionately...

My attitude toward my other friend from group has also changed - now I feel hope for her - now I feel almost a competitive spirit & rush to try again.  I'm confused - how can I feel competitive about such a thing?  My husband put it nicely - that I want to be where they are.  Maybe there's truth in that - right now I can't delve into the logic of it, I feel it so passionately, I can barely breath. 

Slow down crazy girl - one day angry, resentful for others blessings, the next shocking with terrible words, the next avoiding all things pregnant & the next an insatiable urge to have another baby.

Riding this crazy wave & going to wait until tomorrow to decide if I'm going to see this little miracle - too late tonight & feeling too impulsive.

Welcome to the world Melissa Jacqueline - James I hope you will watch over her & us tonight & continue to fill hearts with joy.  Feeling you close tonight angel xoxoxo Mommy

1 comment:

  1. Congrats to your friend, Caroline and kudos to you for your positive reaction!
    My sis-in-law was due just 6 weeks after Nicholas was due. She ended up delivering my niece just 5 weeks after we lost Nicholas and I must say, hearing the news sent enormous wails from me... I will never forget that night. So incredibly happy of her safe arrival, but so seethingly jealous, spiteful and full of heartache.
    It took me over 3 months to finally "meet" her, but now, the bond we share is unbreakable. I look at her and experience things with her that make me think of where Nicholas would be and instead of upsetting me... I am so amazingly thankful for it.
    Good luck....xo