Saturday, 12 January 2013

I have been doing really well.  I guess the slew of things going on have kept my mind busy, distracted you might say.  But it has always been there.

There is a little girl, Aurora, she has the same birthday as James & she was born in the same hospital.  Her mom I have come to know each other through another friend. Seeing her has always been somewhat bitter sweet but time has found a way for me to endure & even enjoy seeing her on most occasions   I have never shared our story with her or the connection that our babies share, we just aren't close enough for me to open my heart up to that.

A week or more ago, she mentioned her daughter's birthday party - she was inviting Jeven to attend.  At first my heart screamed NO!  I had to take a breath & collect myself, my emotions, my logic.  My mind wondered what kind of party we would be holding if things were different.  Our birthday celebration this year, while beautiful & meaningful, is missing the sounds of a 2 year old laughing, playing, fighting with his friends & brothers, the sweet smell of cake, fruit, juice and gifts.

I managed to put all this into perspective & decided that the party wasn't on James' birthday & that Jev would have a blast so why not? and moved on.

This early morning as I was stealing a few quiet minutes to look online, I saw this same mom posted a link to a photo book she has completed for her daughter.  As I looked through it, read her captions, it hit me.  The book is beautiful, all the pictures, the wonderful memories, the years to come with milestones.  These are painfully missing and I am strangled by them.

I should be busy making final preparations for his birthday party, instead I am trying to hold myself together to get through one more day, find a distraction from the pain, the hole in my heart.

James, in my mind I imagine your face, smile, laugh, personality, sense of humour, naughtiness.  I imagine the parties and adventures we would share all together.  I hope you can see them in my mind & feel the joy I have even being able to imagine them.  I hope you can feel my hugs & kisses through my tears for these are the things I yearn for most. I hope you feel through my pain, the depth of my love & how it grows despite the space in time.

Missing you always angel, Mommy xoxo

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