So the saying goes you wish on star, only these days I find myself wishing on a rainbow. I've not only begun to feel like I can bare the thought of it, I've found myself desperately wanting it. Only, not this time & wow - what a rush of emotions. I guess I have been so focused on the rainbow that I didn't stop to consider how I'd feel if it didn't happen the way I hoped, as quickly as I hoped or if it might not happen at all. I know I've started asking for more miracles & I wonder if I am asking for too many. Asking James to send us a rainbow - not to replace him - but to shower it with the kind of love & gratitude that you have when one of your other children dies but also to feel that joy of holding your live & healthy child. I want Jev to have a sibling - he would be the best big brother & I just thinking of the fun & mayhem they could have warms my heart at future possibilities & breaks it for things that should have been.
I guess that's why I have been feeling angry lately - too many conflicting emotions, disappointment at another missed opportunity, being reminded that I'm rarely in control - especially where my body is concerned & that I'll probably be in this spot again. I totally get the reference now about the rainbow coming after the storm & wonder if the storm ever really dies down or just get tucked between the colours of the rainbow.