Monday, 25 July 2011

Wishing on a rainbow

So the saying goes you wish on star, only these days I find myself wishing on a rainbow.  I've not only begun to feel like I can bare the thought of it, I've found myself desperately wanting it.  Only, not this time & wow - what a rush of emotions.  I guess I have been so focused on the rainbow that I didn't stop to consider how I'd feel if it didn't happen the way I hoped, as quickly as I hoped or if it might not happen at all.  I know I've started asking for more miracles & I wonder if I am asking for too many.  Asking James to send us a rainbow - not to replace him - but to shower it with the kind of love & gratitude that you have when one of your other children dies but also to feel that joy of holding your live & healthy child.  I want Jev to have a sibling - he would be the best big brother & I just thinking of the fun & mayhem they could have warms my heart at future possibilities & breaks it for things that should have been. 

I guess that's why I have been feeling angry lately - too many conflicting emotions, disappointment at another missed opportunity, being reminded that I'm rarely in control - especially where my body is concerned & that I'll probably be in this spot again.  I totally get the reference now about the rainbow coming after the storm & wonder if the storm ever really dies down or just get tucked between the colours of the rainbow.

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