Monday, 1 August 2011

The weather has been good - we even got a break in the intense heat.  Had a week of vacation which we spent together the 3 of us & really got some quality family time which I have been longing for.   For the last few days though, I have been feeling heavy hearted.  Maybe it's the good - the great time we've had, the quality time & it's made me think of all of the things that should have also been. 

I have tried to focus on the good - be grateful for the great but still my heart remains heavy.  I have been wondering where the person I used to be went & how I got to be where I am, who I am.  I feel the need to make some changes, personal ones.  I know it's the human condition to always want more - I actually want less, less of the rhetoric & more authenticism from myself.  I don't want to only go through the motions, accept the way things are, the way they've become.  Time to start re-focusing on me, re-discover myself in this life despite it's cruelty.  My children deserve that & I know it'll be hard work, I have been conditioned & comfortable putting myself last, pushing beyond my limits for others.  Now I have to find a way to work my own value back into life & place myself in the cue of the deserving.

Sounds great - now I have to do it. 

James my love - I am missing your place in our trips, in our routines, in Jev's play & fun.  I miss not counting you in the list of guests at Jev's 2nd birthday party, not being able to see your innocence & bewildered joy at all things new.  Jev's new daycare has started & I think it's going well but he cries & breaks my heart as I would do anything to protect him, shield him from hurt & pain.  Please continue to watch over him & comfort him when mommy can't be there.  Missing you my baby boy & sending all my love wherever you are.

xoxoxoxoxox Mommy

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