The weather has been good - we even got a break in the intense heat. Had a week of vacation which we spent together the 3 of us & really got some quality family time which I have been longing for. For the last few days though, I have been feeling heavy hearted. Maybe it's the good - the great time we've had, the quality time & it's made me think of all of the things that should have also been.
I have tried to focus on the good - be grateful for the great but still my heart remains heavy. I have been wondering where the person I used to be went & how I got to be where I am, who I am. I feel the need to make some changes, personal ones. I know it's the human condition to always want more - I actually want less, less of the rhetoric & more authenticism from myself. I don't want to only go through the motions, accept the way things are, the way they've become. Time to start re-focusing on me, re-discover myself in this life despite it's cruelty. My children deserve that & I know it'll be hard work, I have been conditioned & comfortable putting myself last, pushing beyond my limits for others. Now I have to find a way to work my own value back into life & place myself in the cue of the deserving.
Sounds great - now I have to do it.
James my love - I am missing your place in our trips, in our routines, in Jev's play & fun. I miss not counting you in the list of guests at Jev's 2nd birthday party, not being able to see your innocence & bewildered joy at all things new. Jev's new daycare has started & I think it's going well but he cries & breaks my heart as I would do anything to protect him, shield him from hurt & pain. Please continue to watch over him & comfort him when mommy can't be there. Missing you my baby boy & sending all my love wherever you are.