Friday, 12 August 2011

I'm disappointed in myself.  A friend who has been very good to me since James died told me she is expecting her 2nd baby.  My gut reaction was ouch - it hurt to hear her news & then came the jealousy - the pure unreserved anger inducing jealousy followed by a quick prayer that her pregnancy is a healthy one with a live baby at the end of it.

I had planned to visit a friend this weekend, one I met after James died, her baby girl also died 2 weeks before James & I have felt connected to her since.  She is expecting her 3rd child in January & the thought of seeing her pregnant has me spooked - I'm not sure I even want to go.  I know in the past I have given myself some slack & been gentle on myself when I haven't felt up to it, but both these women I consider friends, they are kind, patient, supportive women but I have a little hate born from jealousy in my heart.

If I could control my mind, I would flip the switch to elation & ignorance for both - maybe then I'd feel like a normal person again.  Instead I am left uneasy about these terrible feelings, ones I hate myself for having & feel even worse for not being able to control.

I hope both will understand - I hope one day I will understand.

1 comment:

  1. Please be kind to yourself. It was been 18 months since my daughter died and I still have those same thougths and feelings when I hear a freind is pregnant. I wish I could tell you when it stops; I wish I knew. I do know good friends understand.