A coworkers who I believe is fast becoming a good friend said to me that she puts things out in the universe & that it answers her. For a moment I thought this was a neat idea – that if you put things out there sometimes an answer appears, so I thought I’d try it. I’ve been thinking about volunteering my time with bereavement based agencies & using my experience to support others during their darkest times.
The universe answered me. It answered me through my other colleague telling me the medically fragile child we reviewed on Friday is in intensive care with his mother by his side soaking every last moment of his short life. It answered me again, having a coworkers come in within the same hour with her 4 wk old daughter. I felt a crush of irony & also a mix of anticipation to hold this beautiful little girl & then being repelled by the idea. The universe answered again, another coworkers with her 7 wk old son & then a crush so deep I lost my breath. My son would have been 8 wks old, I am overwhelmed by the feelings of loss one parent is facing today as she watches her son dying & then the cruel irony of the calm, blissful ignorance of those with their infants. Still at work & wanting to leave but chained to my desk waiting for a call & hoping above all hopes the universe doesn’t answer me again. So, I am officially withdrawing my thoughts from the universe & retreating to my inner sanctum.
My emotional self is annoyed that all attempts to be sensitive are long gone. I lost my child, my child should be coming for office visits, my child should have been born, I am still grieving, I miss him every moment of everyday & the universe keeps shoving into my face. Sounds of an infant’s gurgle interrupting my thoughts as I type. My flight response is back, these are the moments I am most alone, trapped in a hell no one understands. I need the universe to buzz off!
My intellectual side says, there is work to be done & I am headed in the right direction. My intellectual brain says slow down, the time isn’t right.
I still hope to help others & would still like to volunteer my time, but next I’m keeping the stupid universe out of it!