Earlier this week I had a group meeting with PBSO (Perinatal bereavement services Ontario) - am a regular and hope one day be able to facilitator at these meetings. I arrived early -no one else was there & I couldn't bring myself to sit alone in the parking lot so I parked across the street where I could watch the lot & waited for a familiar car or face to arrive.
As I watched I had a strange experience, an almost out of body experience. As the first & second people arrived I watched with the feeling of an outsider looking in, watching the quick steps of one & the slow tentative steps of the second. I watched as one looked around almost wondering it seemed how she'd gotten there & then motioning self consciously to her cloths, her belly - looking for her belly & then hoping no one else noticed it was no longer there. My heart ached as I watched her b/c it seemed like I was almost watching myself, I could so relate to the subtle non verbal gestures of self doubt, longing for something gone, wondering how life could be so strange & cruel & then trying to cover it all up in an futile effort to carry on - just put one foot in front of the other. I watched & the wished that I couldn't relate so acutely to what I was watching. Watched & wished I wasn't there for the same reason & then having to take the same walk down that same plank, inside.
Then as I made my way across the street to the meeting, I had to fight the urge to drive on past & felt heaves of hurt & sadness as I walked toward the meeting. But I made it inside & it was one of my more emotional meetings. In the end I was glad to have gone.