Friday, 1 June 2012

Right in front of me

My homeopathic induction took place later in the afternoon on Wednesday.  It was unlike anything I expected - this was my first experience with homeopathy & was a great experience.  Some of the conversation surprised me & some of the questions linger with me still.

She asked me to talk about James, our experience, his birth, what his life & death has brought into our lives, what I thought the purpose of all this was.  It has been so long since I've spoken out loud about him, our time together, and our story of loss.  It felt good, it felt awful.  Images of him raced forward in my mind, like flashbacks & I could almost feel the weight of his body in my hands again.  I realized that one of my greatest fears was that I would forget - we were not fortunate enough to have pictures, or foot/hand prints provided for us - but now I realize that is simply not possible.  Do I still wish for the tangible items, absolutely, do I think I'll forget, not any more, not a chance.

Not surprisingly she felt that my experience with James could be blocking labour b/c of my anxiety and all the emotions connected to that experience.  The induction would be focused on addressing anxiety and she gave me 2 remedies to manage it.

She also asked me to sit with the idea that our unborn could feel that I was afraid he would die.  How that must feel for him?  Talk about conflict of emotion - first a rush of guilt, I never want my children to be affected negatively by my fears, then a rush of anxiety, but I know better then anyone that his death is not just fear, it's a real possibilityy, it is other people's realities. 

We agreed that I need to focus on a vision of what I want-her word, hope - my word, the birth to be like.  She encouraged me to be present with this little boy, that he is what is what is in front of me & I need to connect to him. 

The irony is that for a while, I have felt that I have been spending so much time trying to connect with our unborn, caring for our eldest and everything in between, that I have lost time connecting with James.  I think of him everyday, multiple times a day but just haven't had the time to stop & connect.  Here's the irony, it would seem from an outsider perspective that I have spent more time connecting to him & our experience & not enough to our soon to be youngest.  Now I'm left wondering which is it?   

Last night, with thoughts, hopes & fears streaming through my mind, my locket slipped into the palm of my hand.  I felt immediately that James was there letting me know he is in my heart & reassuring me that despite all the doubt & fear that he is present & will hold my hand.

So the homeopathic induction didn't work but it was a positive experience, loaded with emotion and reminding me my James is present & strong.

In the mean time we keep waiting for our rainbow with hope.

Missing you my angel boy xoxox  Mommy


  1. Wishing you love, strength and "hope", Caroline.

    I had a bit of the same experience while in labour with Madison. My fear and anxiety about her impending birth caused by body to shut down. It wasn't until the OB sat with me and asked about our story that I released the emotion I was feeling. After that... I felt like I was free and it was okay to let my body go....

    1. Lea - it's wonderful to hear from you. Thank you for sharing this b/c it makes me feel less like a nut job & guilty. Fingers crossed i can unlock my body & mind in the upcoming days so we can meet this little miracle!

  2. Thinking of you and wishing you all the strength you need - and looking forward to hearing the wonderful news, that I'm sure (note - SURE!) will come very soon! All the best!


    1. Thanks D! I relish your optimism, fingers crossed with hope that there's news soon!