Saturday, 18 May 2013


Hard to believe that this was my 3rd mother's day without James.  He would only be 2 but b/c our loss was so early, mother's day came before he would have been due & after he was already gone.

This year, much like last, was more gentle then the one before.

This year, our first with rainbow Ewan included a beautiful gift.  He is a great hugger, very affectionate by nature.  I have often looked at him or felt him snuggle in & felt close to James, like he possesses a portal by which James is just a little bit closer.   On mother's day he reached out with both hands wrapped his sweet arms around me, buried his head in my chest and squeezed me so tight.  As he let go, I thought, I wish I had stopped & savoured that hug.  Then he did it again only this time I could almost feel 4 hands, little fingers wrapped around my arms squeezing so incredibly tight that it didn't seem like one baby should be strong enough to do it.  The depth of that hug was incredible and it lasted long & strong.  As I breathed in & enjoyed every second of it, I felt as if my missing son had reached through space & time and hugged me with his younger brother.  For a second I got lost in a dream scape where I felt him in my arms & then joy, such joy.   Then reality stepped in & Ewan continued to hug & the tears flooded in.  Tears of joy, tears of absence & tears of anticipation for the next time I can hold my son James in my arms again.

My mother's day was made & broken in a single hug, but I wouldn't trade it or change it.  What a gift, to feel like I am holding him in my arms.  I will dwell in that moment for some time.  Best feeling I've had in the almost 2.5 years since he's been gone, outside of holding Ewan alive & healthy after his birth ofcourse :) .

Love to you my sweet baby James.  miss you xo  Mommy

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