Friday, 25 November 2011

3 instead of 4

Holidays are coming....I've started to decorate & the glaring absences are striking.  The most striking are 3 stockings instead of 4.  I've pondered getting a mini stocking but what would I put in it?  Then I resign that there will just always be one missing.  I can almost see in my mind what things could have been like, a warm blanket that once you take it off leaves you cold, chilled to the bone.

Jev has been sick again, poor little guy.  Tis the season of flu & colds especially at daycare.

There is now more talk about "when the baby is born" and it makes me feel uneasy - we are still so far away from that being reality & we still need to cross that invisible milestone - the one where we lost James.  Then we have to cross the most dreaded first, his first angel day - I'm already bracing myself for what I am afraid are some emotional days ahead.  It seems like they are stacked one on top of the other.  The only good thing is that our next scan is before James' day & all I can do is hope that we get there & that everything is healthy.  Then with that behind us, I can focus on getting through "that" day. 

Remembering the good, bad & ugly these days & trying to dissociate myself from connecting this time from the last to preserve my sanity.  I'm also trying to dedicate time to each of my children in my quiet moments.

Missing you angel & hoping you'll send me some ideas of how to include you as we approach the holidays b/c I am desperate to feel your presence.

xoxxoxoxo Mommy

1 comment:

  1. Nice to hear from you... think of you often.