It's coming this Friday, the thing I thought I'd be desperate for. Thing is it seems to be eating away at my subconscious. Ultrasound 1. I had the choice, the requisition was in my hand, I could have had an ultrasound to confirm heartbeat, but just couldn't bring myself to do it. what if it didn't? I just wasn't prepared for that, so i decided to wait. I thought i felt some movement & now I don't - my immediate thought - it's dead. My next thought, if it's alive & we go past 12 weeks & something goes wrong, I'll have to deliver it sleeping again. Mike says it's normal but I have to marvel at how different my mind is this time around. No comfort, just landmarks of a different kind with ominous forecasting.
We also found out that a close friend of Mike's is due the same month as us, while in my heart I know how special this is, their first child has borough them so much joy, my gut says, one more baby to mark what should have been if something goes wrong.
The very question of am I nervous about Friday immediately brought tears to my eyes. I look at the sachet that holds you my angel & the happy ending we have been praying for seems like such a remote possibility. I used to have a grain of hope, now I have a wave of lost hopes.
Deep breath - 4 more days to go.