Monday, 7 November 2011


It's coming this Friday, the thing I thought I'd be desperate for. Thing is it seems to be eating away at my subconscious.  Ultrasound 1.  I had the choice, the requisition was in my hand, I could have had an ultrasound to confirm heartbeat, but just couldn't bring myself to do it.  what if it didn't?  I just wasn't prepared for that, so i decided to wait.  I thought i felt some movement & now I don't - my immediate thought - it's dead.  My next thought, if it's alive & we go past 12 weeks & something goes wrong, I'll have to deliver it sleeping again.  Mike says it's normal but I have to marvel at how different my mind is this time around.  No comfort, just landmarks of a different kind with ominous forecasting.

We also found out that a close friend of Mike's is due the same month as us, while in my heart I know how special this is, their first child has borough them so much joy, my gut says, one more baby to mark what should have been if something goes wrong. 

The very question of am I nervous about Friday immediately brought tears to my eyes.  I look at the sachet that holds you my angel & the happy ending we have been praying for seems like such a remote possibility.  I used to have a grain of hope, now I have a wave of lost hopes. 

Deep breath - 4 more days to go. 

1 comment:

  1. Wishing you lots of strength and keeping everything crossed that it's a normal, healthy ultrasound.

    I remember thinking about you and James while waiting for mine - I barely slept the night before it, and the nurse checked my blood pressure and it was a bit high, and I said that she should probably wait and do it again after the ultrasound. I actually rented a doppler so that I could keep tabs on the heartbeat myself at home, every time I started to panic - might be worth it for you too?

    Regardless, I'll be thinking of you and sending you all my best!!