Feels as though it's been a while since I've been able to write. In truth, I've thought about writing everyday but finding the time or right moment just hasn't seemed possible. I've been struggling in truth with the worst of the 1st trimester stuff, trying my hardest not to complain but struggling just the same to function. I've tried to strike a balance between the must dos & the optionals but have felt for the most part useless.
I did have a rare moment earlier this week. I got to speak about you, James, in the real world where ordinary people were just not prepared, but it felt good to talk about you. A colleague that I haven't seen in some time remembered that I was carrying you & was surprised to see me, thinking I should have been off on leave. Eventually she assumed she was mistaken & i quickly reassured her she wasn't & told her that you had died. She was shocked & I could see her discomfort & wishing she could take her questions back, but I was happy to speak about you, even the harsh truth of it all. You felt present to me in those moments & still smile when I think back.
The rest are my regrets, I am stuck, I had visions of doing the most wonderful thing with someone who embodies honour & strengh. The truth is that I have been so immobilized that I haven't been able to fulfil my commitment. I feel like I've let you down, feel like you deserve all of me but recently I've haven't had control of me. I think of you everyday, cry for the moments lost, see your face, long to be able to hold you & hope to be able to honour your life.
Wishing we were planning for another brother or sister with you here but hoping you are near & hoping you will pass some of your essence on if we are fortunate enough to welcome another healthy baby into our family.
Missing you with every shred of my being angel xoxoxoxoxo Mommy