Monday, 10 October 2011


Well it's thanksgiving day & the big celebration is over.  I've learned that if nothing else, losing James makes very aware of all the things I am grateful for.  This year, that was punctuated when I paused to think of what I might say if asked around the table.  I wasn't asked but still can't help but be reminded to be thankful for my children, Mike & the possibility of one more.  James, I am thankful to have had him our lives, even as brief as it was, but I am not thankful for him to be gone.  I hope this will reconcile in time.

This past week was the beginning, people began to notice - I was very uncomfortable b/c it's still very early but I had to remind myself that this is #4 & I guess that's what happens, the body just goes.  I had several moments of panic, I had to really stop & think about what I was panicking about & realized I didn't want people to notice b/c that shifted their minds away from James.  I was desperate - even with people who didn't know, think i may have even had a mini panic attack.  Aside from the fact that I don't know what to say when people congratulate me, I don't want them to congratulate me.  They try and reassure me that everything will be fine.  How do they know that?  How can they promise such a thing?  One angel baby mom said it best so far- she wished me a boring & uneventful pregnancy - perfect!

Here goes the basket case everyone has told me about.  I tried to explain it as follows- I have a grain of hope & a mountain of fear. 

I think I dreamt of you last night angel, missing you all the time & hoping you are near this Thanksgiving weekend.  Love Mommy xoxoxoxoxo

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