Wednesday, 12 October 2011

Somehow I thought I'd be better prepared this time around.  The truth is that I feel more out of control then the first time I did this.  I can't seem to get any aspect under control, my feelings, the sickness, my stress, feeling paralyzed.  You'd think 4th time, I'd have a clue, apparently not - what I've got is the worse case scenario on replay.

Work is just simply out of control, I am constantly feeling anxious, like nothing I do has any impact, but so incredibly busy that I don't have time to stop & grab food - even when I need it.  It's so consuming I am evening dreaming about it at night.  Then, I come home, completely exhausted & feeling sick from having to neglect myself all day and the guilt & pressure of wanting to care for my family weighs heavy.  James plays in my mind with every flash of nausea, every cramp, every twinge, every questioning look.  I feel tortured & I'm terrified that if I don't get things under control we'll be right back where we started.

I worry about disappointing especially some of the most important things I've become involved with & I promised myself I'd take a breath & try and slow down when things felt like they were spinning but easier said then done.  My anxiety quickly turns into a tightness, quickening of breath & my hands begin to shake.  I wish I could tell you it was for really significant events but unfortunately not - just events that make me feel more out of control, unable to complete whatever it is I'm working on.

I am wondering what I need to do to feel more in control, how to delegate things better at work, how to take a step back, how to breathe again.  Hopefully these answers will find me b/c I don't even know how to begin looking for them.

James - I'm feeling guilt for walking this road again without you.  I hope you can help me find some balance as I seem to be losing my grip - the one I fought to find when you left us, the one that I am lost without.

Missing you angel xoxoxoxox Mommy  

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