Since James died, I am a strong believer in family pictures/portraits. We were never able to have pictures taken of James, no foot prints, hand prints, nothing tangible except his ultrasound pictures and our memories. As a result, I have adopted the position that you can never take for granted that you will have the opportunity to take pictures tomorrow. Since that time, we have had family portraits taken annually.
As I searched for a photographer, I had many expectations. I also received many recommendations and after some research I found someone, not who's pictures impressed me the most, but who gives back to the community through NILMDTS (Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep), photography of babies who have died. I contacted her immediately. Here I was looking to capture a moment in my children's lives so I never have to regret not having them & here I stumbled onto someone who gives the most incredible gift during the worst possible moments in parents lives. I spoke with her that same day & expressed my gratitude, my admiration and our story.
As the days lead up to the photo shoot, I was emotional, sad, weepy, more then the usual. This year I felt the magnitude of the void that would be in the pictures more then I expected. Invisible spaces where James should be, smiling, squirming, making faces and tag teaming with his older brother to get out of the confines of the poses they were being asked to hold. Silly faces, noisy fun and smiles, all the things that I miss so much.
The day after the shoot we celebrated Canadian thanksgiving with very close & special family. This year we all shared what we were thankful for. It certainly felt strange to have anything to be thankful for, but I was, thankful for my boys, thankful for our family, thankful for the boys being healthy. The ability to be thankful has returned but the void, the heartache will never be gone. So while others proclaimed their thanks, I whispered I miss you.
We are now waiting impatiently for our proofs & I'm hoping for a shadow, smudge or twinkle that tells me you were there.
Missing you angel. xoxo Mommy
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