Wednesday, 17 October 2012

Ready or not?

Ready or not here I come!  That game of hide and seek we all played as children, has found new meaning as I battle a game of am I ready or not to take this journey to the next level.  Only I am seeking meaning but find myself hiding.

I have wanted for some time to transform my experience into something meaningful for others.  It has been an extremely powerful & meaningful experience in my life & thanks to a few golden hearted people who have also been there & the help of our local Pregnancy and Infant loss (PAIL) Network, I am still standing and putting one step in front of the other, albeit harder some days then others.

I feel that my opportunity has knocked, ready or not..  Our local PAIL network reached out for parents to be panelists at their bi-annual training for physicians, nurses, midwives etc on sensitivity and early pregnancy and infant loss.  We are to tell our stories & touch on things that were helpful & others that we wished were different.  Our stories are to inform the practice of these professionals as they work with other parents entering this terrible journey.

I am so eager I am jumping out of my skin, ready or not..  My husband on the other hand is not so sure.  I wanted to sit together and tell our stories b/c I feel he has something valuable to contribute, but he isn't sure that allowing the memory to come flooding back won't be ripping the bandaid off his wounds.  While I think I understand, I still want to participate, but am scared no terrified.  I don't think I can go alone.  I'm thinking about asking a good friend to come with me, but I keep having to ask myself, if you have to go alone, can you do it?  should you do it?   I am to reply to the network with my preferred date, but  I am paralyzed by fear..fear of going alone, fear of the flood of emotions, fear of falling apart & being all alone, fear of feeling all alone and then looking around & realizing I am alone.  Why does something so important, so meaningful have to be so hard, feel like such a risk?  I guess the meaningful things generally involve some effort & risk?  or is it that I'm just not ready?

I also reached out and expressed my interest in becoming a facilitator to their open groups, ready or not..  Their response has been one of enthusiasm and I have cold feet.  It has been so long since I've had the opportunity to tell our story, live in that space and think about James and our time together and all the feelings that go along with it, that I worry, I am right for the role?  My head says, you always doubt yourself and prove yourself wrong, you are a trained professional and a survivor with lots of meaningful things to share.   But my heart says you hurt so much, can you really take the chance at making someone else's journey more painful if you're not ready....

So,  here I am at a stand torn between my good intentions and my doubts.  Ready or not...?  

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