Sometimes, I forget. I forget that life is never going to be the same, not even the most minor parts.
Yesterday night we headed to Mike's annual work Christmas party. We had a babysitter lined up, it's the one thing we do every year. As we prepped to go, I wondered if someone would say something about James but left it really at that. My expectations were similar to last year, when I pregnant with James. Boy was I wrong. That party, all parties will never be the same.
We sat with people we know, who know about James & then the rest of the table filled. Two other couples, one visibly pregnant with their first baby. The mom, speaking about how easy her pregnancy has been, how she'll be off mid March, how they need to start getting "ready". I sat beside her, she was a beautiful person but all I could think about was James. The same script ran through my mind, "you have no idea how you're world could be ripped away" all the while hoping she never has to know.
While I am visibly pregnant as well, just not obviously as far along, no one asked me a single question. I was left to sit & remember the previous year & strain to remember how it felt to have James with me. I realised how close we are to when our world fell apart just a little over a year ago & how clueless I was, how unprepared I would be. The night brought back happy hopes & crushed dreams. I wanted to leave from almost the moment we arrived.
The rest of the night was filled with my own sensitivity to comments from those who couldn't know & who's comments one year ago would have rolled over my shoulders like nothing. Not last night, never again.
We came home, exhausted - by far the latest night I've had in months & emotionally wanting to distance myself from my feelings. Then a sleepless night with Jev pulling a crazy all nighter, even when in bed with us. At almost 4;30am I finally had to leave the room, I came downstairs & cried tears that I have been holding back for a long time. Tears for me, tears for James, tears for the past, tears for the future, tears from frustration & fatigue, tears for tears.
Today I still feel sensitive, like I could breakdown but overall, I am just reminded that nothing, no celebration, no tradition, no holiday will ever be the same & that makes me sad. Next week, will be my next adventure in firsts & I think if yesterday night is any reflection, it will be a hard one. I am closer to anger then I've been in a while, but, in light of all the things we MUST face without our son, I doubt it's anything less then a normal.
James, I slept close to you last night in your room & missed you deeply. Felt your younger brother or sister last night for the first time in a while & wished it didn't remind me of how much I miss you. Hoping you will give me the courage to make it through the next week and a bit more with some composure.
Sending all my love xoxoxo Mommy