Time seems to be rushing by & I am struck everyday by the power of this experience. I find myself thinking of James more often, loving more passionately and thoughtful about how to make sense & balance it all. Ewan will often grab my locket, pulling on it and I find myself hoping James is present to know how my heart swells but aches at the same time.
Early on as a student I studied psychology, I was taught that when trying to help clients cope with challenging emotions, you assist them to condition their responses to stimuli, exposing them to the emotions that are uncomfortable & replacing it with the opposite emotions. The premise being that you can't experience conflicting emotions at the same time, i.e. you can't be afraid & relaxed simultaneously. Made sense at the time but I can confidently challenge this idea now, I live with a conflicted heart everyday that soars with joy & mingles with grief simultaneously, happiness & sadness together. I watch my boys interact & inhale love & gratitude and exhale the heaviness in my heart. I would have never believed this to be possible as a student of ideologies & the human condition, but life cut in & has become the real teacher. Although this sounds like the heaviness wins, it doesn't, it has taken on the the responsibility of protecting James' memory, his legacy, become my motivation that my children will always celebrate each other whether they are here on this physical plain or have grown their wings.
|Jev & Ewan holding hands :)|
Loving you more & missing you deeply James.