Our family celebrated a great day. A close family member got married over the weekend & Jev was the ring bearer. The day & night were beautiful, a wonderful balance of tradition and informality.
As I prepared myself, I faced another first, choosing to take off my locket in order to wear a different necklace more suited for my outfit. A gut wrenching, inner struggle that ended with me giving myself permission to take him off. I grabbed for him all day, and still feel guilt for not having him with me. I have him back on now but have still struggled with my choice. The truth is that I have been beating myself up so much I didn't want to tell anyone I had even taken him off for fear that someone would confirm my deepest fear, I have dishonoured my child. Then today I found a comment by another babyloss parent about not feeling guilt for not wearing memorial jewellery. I still feel guilt but knowing others have felt this guilt and being reassured feels like a gift. Perhaps this gift comes from James himself, telling me he knows his locket keeps him close to my heart but he lives there & in my mind every moment, always, locket or no locket.