Our family celebrated a great day. A close family member got married over the weekend & Jev was the ring bearer. The day & night were beautiful, a wonderful balance of tradition and informality.
As I prepared myself, I faced another first, choosing to take off my locket in order to wear a different necklace more suited for my outfit. A gut wrenching, inner struggle that ended with me giving myself permission to take him off. I grabbed for him all day, and still feel guilt for not having him with me. I have him back on now but have still struggled with my choice. The truth is that I have been beating myself up so much I didn't want to tell anyone I had even taken him off for fear that someone would confirm my deepest fear, I have dishonoured my child. Then today I found a comment by another babyloss parent about not feeling guilt for not wearing memorial jewellery. I still feel guilt but knowing others have felt this guilt and being reassured feels like a gift. Perhaps this gift comes from James himself, telling me he knows his locket keeps him close to my heart but he lives there & in my mind every moment, always, locket or no locket.
I think that sometimes we are our own worst enemies when it comes to beating ourselves up for doing things that we think we shouldn't or not doing things that we think we should. A mother's love will never disappear because we are not wearing something. It is not a measure of our love for our child.
ReplyDeleteGod knows our heart and I believe that God has put me in a position on earth now to care for my earthly children, while He is loving and caring for my little Caleb better than even I could have here on earth. That is not to say that I don't continue to grieve the loss of Caleb, or to visit his grave (not nearly as much as I did four years ago when the grief was new), or to honor his memory on his birthday or the day that he left this earth or in other ways throughout the years.
I don't want Caleb's death to make me almost feel superstitious that if I don't do certain things that I am not a good mom, or if I don't grieve a certain way, I didn't/don't really love Caleb as I should. Life is so difficult and sometimes we, as women, can muddy the waters by making such high expectations and rituals, and I'm speaking for myself here, that we set ourselves up to fail.
((((hugs))))
Cheryl
I second Cheryl. And he is in your heart and mind always. Whether he is around your neck or not. But maybe, just maybe, your post is inspiration to pursue the tattoo I've been thinking about.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Em