I haven't blogged about this topic for a while to quell my mounting fear as we approached the coveted finish line. Today however, I feel waves of emotion that somehow seem might only makes sense to those who may have also found themselves at this strange intersection in this journey.
Today is the day - the day that was estimated to be the due date for our hopeful rainbow to our family. Today he remains tightly tucked inside & keeping us waiting with hopeful expectations. Today is suppose to bring some clarity according to my midwife - all I know is that my strategy on how to cope with this most out of control & terrifying adventure has been suspended as we sit and wait.
For me the notion of clarity is knowing all the things that could possibly go wrong. Hope on the other hand is the shred that I hang onto that we will have our miracle, our rainbow & not leave with empty arms, again. As for today bringing some sense of resolution, so far it has brought tears but no revelations other then I am hopeful & afraid.
Up to a few weeks back, my strategy had been, small milestones. Set my mind to focus on the next appointment, mini milestone b/c the big picture was far to overwhelming & frightening. I became very good at focusing and redirecting my anxieties back to the next critical date. Now there are no dates, just waiting.
For me, waiting has been torture, my anxiety has escalated & I admit become intrusive at times. I am afraid he will die before or during delivery. All I can do is focus on his precious movements, kicks, hiccups, they are all I have to cling to as we wait. James is always forefront in my mind & I have coordinated being able to keep his locket with me during delivery - I can't do this without having him there. I have always hoped that his essence will be present and protect us & his little brother during his most vulnerable moments.
I also admit that I have indulged my neuroses on occasion, watching documentaries about birthing and impact of drugs and the medical systems' standardisation of birth. It has absolutely fed my fear about how some interventions can negatively impact the outcome. I keep reminding myself & saying out loud just to make it real that we are motivated to do what ever it takes to have a live & healthy baby, bottom line.
As I cling to that shred of hope, I believe I can do this. Now all we have to do is wait & pray.