Saturday, 16 April 2011

I thought I might be done with posting, I thought I might be starting to make my way through this crazy maze of emotions, feeling like I was on the path out of the dark days.  I was wrong. 
So many significant things have happened since I wrote last - I saw a good friend at her daughters bday party very pregnant & due only days before James would have been, I passed the due date for the baby I lost to miscarriage back in the summer, saw my first newborn baby since James died and most recently had my first birthday without James. 

The week leading up to my birthday was very hard, I felt sad more then I have in over a month, was easily brought to tears - although I held them in & never let anyone know how fragile I was, found reminders of James everywhere, felt his presence missing more.  I wondered if my birthday was the trigger but it wasn't until they day before that I even remembered it was coming.  I guess the subconscious really works at chipping away at the mask we wear for everyone else & sometimes for us too.  I still feel sadness, emptiness & confused - but seems that's the journey I'm chained to indefinitely now.

The final straw bringing me back are the flurry of comments people are beginning to feel more comfortable saying around me - I guess enough time has gone by that people have forgotten or just assume I have moved on.  All the while I feel the clock ticking down - in 12 weeks my baby James would have come into this world in the way we planned - his due date is coming and I am completely terrified of it coming & being without him.

I don't want to hear or think about other people's due dates, I don't want to know how other people are talking about how big other pregnancies are getting & how hurtful those comments are.  I would give anything to have a different clock ticking down, I would give anything to be as big as house, I would give anything to worry about how I was going to lose my baby weight after delivering a live baby.  Instead, I have a due date that no one will remember, have lost my baby & been left with all the weight - which I just can't seem to get rid of so i can see people looking, wondering & some very forward people even asking if I am still pregnant.  Not to mention all the new white hairs I have inherited - vain I know but part of the new damaged version of myself. 

Hating how I look is another constant, being disgusted by myself is another, but then I remember I'm suppose to be kind to myself.  Work in progress I guess.

If I could just figure out what to say when the world forgets to be kind to me in order to slow everything down so that I can breath again...


  1. I am so sorry for your continued pain. This pain of losing a child will come and go like the waves...sometimes very gently, but sometimes like a raging storm.

    I have a friend who I can confide in if I need someone to talk to and she just listens and doesn't give me advice unless I ask for it. I pray that you have/can find someone similar.

    I have screamed, argued with, cried out to, and disagreed with God. I also know in my heart of hearts that as He created my little Caleb He knew that Caleb's life would be complete at a young age. God has become closer to me than a best friend could ever be. For as much as I don't understand His ways, they are "higher" than mine and devastating as losing a child is, it makes me cling even tighter to my Heavenly Father.

    I want to see my son again and I know that I will see him again when I enter the gates of Heaven.

    It has been almost three years since the death of my little Caleb, but some days it still feels like yesterday. I can't believe that time continues to march on...I thought that the world would stop when he died, but to my went on "as normal".

    I find that, even though my son lived 17 months, hardly anybody even mentions his name. Sometimes I end up bringing him up in conversation, but sometimes just to know that God remembers him and that God is carrying me is enough.

    Everyone who has lost a child has different needs and being able to express them to a close friend is a blessing. If you have a close friend who you feel comfortable with, tell them what would make you feel better or what would comfort you. Sometimes people don't mention the loved one's name who has passed because they are afraid to make us sad...They don't realize that the tears are healing and that to hear our child's name is beautiful.

    I know that I have aged since losing my child and somehow my looks don't matter as much to me anymore. Don't get me wrong, I have lost some weight and I do go for regular hair cuts, etc., but it just isn't as important to me. I still can't wear mascara and it has been three years because most days I still get tears in my eyes. I am a lot more sensitive than I ever was before Caleb died.

    Sorry if I rambled, but I feel deep sorrow for you and I pray that you find comfort and healing slowly over time.

    With love and Hope,

  2. Hey you ~ I can relate to all of the things you say soooo much. We are at different stages of this journey of grieving our boys, but the pain is still the same. It softens some, but never goes away.
    You're right, be gentle with yourself... easier said than done, right?
    Touch base if you want...... xxx