I thought I might be done with posting, I thought I might be starting to make my way through this crazy maze of emotions, feeling like I was on the path out of the dark days. I was wrong.
So many significant things have happened since I wrote last - I saw a good friend at her daughters bday party very pregnant & due only days before James would have been, I passed the due date for the baby I lost to miscarriage back in the summer, saw my first newborn baby since James died and most recently had my first birthday without James.
The week leading up to my birthday was very hard, I felt sad more then I have in over a month, was easily brought to tears - although I held them in & never let anyone know how fragile I was, found reminders of James everywhere, felt his presence missing more. I wondered if my birthday was the trigger but it wasn't until they day before that I even remembered it was coming. I guess the subconscious really works at chipping away at the mask we wear for everyone else & sometimes for us too. I still feel sadness, emptiness & confused - but seems that's the journey I'm chained to indefinitely now.
The final straw bringing me back are the flurry of comments people are beginning to feel more comfortable saying around me - I guess enough time has gone by that people have forgotten or just assume I have moved on. All the while I feel the clock ticking down - in 12 weeks my baby James would have come into this world in the way we planned - his due date is coming and I am completely terrified of it coming & being without him.
I don't want to hear or think about other people's due dates, I don't want to know how other people are talking about how big other pregnancies are getting & how hurtful those comments are. I would give anything to have a different clock ticking down, I would give anything to be as big as house, I would give anything to worry about how I was going to lose my baby weight after delivering a live baby. Instead, I have a due date that no one will remember, have lost my baby & been left with all the weight - which I just can't seem to get rid of so i can see people looking, wondering & some very forward people even asking if I am still pregnant. Not to mention all the new white hairs I have inherited - vain I know but part of the new damaged version of myself.
Hating how I look is another constant, being disgusted by myself is another, but then I remember I'm suppose to be kind to myself. Work in progress I guess.
If I could just figure out what to say when the world forgets to be kind to me in order to slow everything down so that I can breath again...