Saturday, 7 May 2011

Bitter sweet & battles

I've battled this past week - my earth angel Jeven's daycare situation is breaking down & he's coming home with injuries on a regular basis (scratches to his gorgeous face).  The stress of this would be distressing to most but it plays on one of my deepest set fears since James left us - that Jeven will die too.  I know without a doubt, that if that happened that I couldn't go on.  I know it's normal to have a heightened awareness of mortality & worry about your most loved ones but this one leaves me gasping for air.  So while I'm trying to be level headed & look for an alternate daycare option, I can't work b/c I'm consumed with fear.  I would pull him out right away but the level head of my husband stops me from being impulsive.  How do I leave my surviving child in a place where his care is questionable?  when he cries for me as I leave?  I'm sick at the thought of it. 

Tomorrow is mother's day & I have felt more emotional - things seem to be sneaking up on me, like my subconscious is haunting me.  Mother's day is coming - a bitter sweet day from this year on - I proud to be a mother it is the most important thing I have ever done.  My torture is the missing little hands I'll never have wrapped around mine - the ones that I miss everyday, the ones I am proud to have created.  I don't want to celebrate it, one more first for a mother on mother's day who is without her youngest son...sigh.

This week I also discovered another mom to an angel who is doing incredible work to honour her son's memory & the memory of others.  Carley who lives in Australia writes the names of angels in the sand & photographs them with the most gorgeous sunsets behind at To write their names in the sand.  After finding her I requested that she write James' name & added him a long list of others.  To my surprise yesterday night, I discovered that my request & James' name had been written, photographed & uploaded with my dedication.  This is the most significant gift this mother's day & even though Carley & I don't know each other I need to thank her for this most meaningful & timely gift.   Here is the link to his picture: James' Sunset.

Good night my angel, mommy misses you.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Caroline,

    I am so sorry for the situation you are in regarding Jeven's care. Absolutely the last thing that you need right now. I don't blame you for being heartsick.... the very thought of it makes me sick too.

    I'm going to pm you now...xx