Friday, 20 May 2011

basket case

I have struggled in my journey to date at releasing the tears that I watch others shed in group meetings etc.  Apparently my floodgates only open when I'm at the hospital.  Last night, I surprised myself, I managed this time to make it through the drive & even the walk inside the hospital.  But, when I saw that familiar face - the RN - who is a gentle sweet kind person - standing at the entrance of the memorial & we began to speak I knew then I was headed back to basket caseville. 

We had our earth angel with us & before I was even done placing him in the stroller, I couldn't hold back the tears.  The music started - Blackbird by Sara McLaughlin - and that was it was in the full throws of grief - all over again.  The room was quiet & I had to hold in the sobs though I could barely draw a breath.  I realized sitting there that it is still so fresh, I 've just managed to put routines in place to make it possible for me to move forward.

The night was very thoughtful, words of comfort, poems, musicians & songs, stories of personal loss & strength, reflections.  There were only a few moments that I really could have lived without - the stories of g-ds love - I haven't been able to reunite with my faith & at the end a combination of a song with lyrics from Somewhere over the rainbow & Wonderful life - there's nothing wonderful about this life without James or any of the other angels whose parents were missing them deeply.  I guess I should remember to just be grateful that our angels were honoured & that unless you've felt the emptiness you could have no way of intuitively knowing.   I guess I was extra sensitive yesterday.

Today i am a mess, my eyes are so swollen I can barely open them, my head still pounding from the raw un-restricted emotion & exhaustion from the grief.

In spite of the above, I want to recognize the things I am grateful for: meeting Lea - so tremendously overdue & such a great honour to see & watch her delivering her love & hope for healing, the hospital for acknowledging the deepness of our losses, the significance of our children to us & the world that goes on without them, my husband for allowing me to stay when Jeven had to leave b/c he was being a toddler, this online community for listening & for James who has transformed my life - not sure into what yet, but maybe for making me a work in progress - hopefully for the better.

James, I need strength to get through this Friday, a day when I yearn to climb under the covers & simply think & cry for you.  I am so incredibly blessed for the love you have showed me exists inside me & others that I never knew about.  Missing you beyond words. xoxoxo Mommy


  1. Sounds like a very rough day, even though it sounds like a beautiful memorial. Wishing you much strength and love, as always!


  2. It was my honour and my pleasure to finally meet you, Caroline. Although I feel very close to you already.. the bond we share... the one we don't want to share... I am still grateful that you have come into my life. I feel your pain so deeply. You are so early on in your journey and I commend you for walking through those doors on Thursday night. It takes so much courage...

    Love to you always.